Betram Bunny, Rosewood Cowboy, and Shithead!
Shitt Pitt--Shit’s End pt. 3 of 3: “End of Shithead”
Somewhere inside the messy mass of Shithead, the Rosewood Cowboy was alive! The Cowboy had been sucked up into the Demon of Defecation after he lost the Shitty Shootout against him! It appeared that the Cowboy was gone for good, lost in a fecal finality. Snigger, his horse, knew better. As the animal made its way down the long hall leading to Shithead’s inner sanctum, he knew that somehow his master was still alive! Moments later, Snigger was rushing through the doorless entry into the dark stone chamber where Shithead “sat.” Snigger reared back on his hind legs and neighed loudly before rushing the Demon of Defecation.
“What is this? “ Shithead said. “The rebellion has sent a horse to do their job?”
Shithead lifted a huge tendril of turds and swatted Snigger aside. He then laughed.
“I knew they would be coming for me, but I didn’t’ know they’d send YOU!” Shithead pointed the tendril right at Snigger, and began to bury the horse in a growing pile of wet, sticky poo!
“What is this? “ Shithead said. “The rebellion has sent a horse to do their job?”
Shithead lifted a huge tendril of turds and swatted Snigger aside. He then laughed.
“I knew they would be coming for me, but I didn’t’ know they’d send YOU!” Shithead pointed the tendril right at Snigger, and began to bury the horse in a growing pile of wet, sticky poo!
Suddenly, Shithead’s stream of shit was stopped in midair! It seemed that his entire body had been frozen in place as well! The Hands of Time appeared in the entry to the dark stone chamber, smiling!
“Aww man, this place stinks! Shithead, did you take a crap in here or something? Oh, wait -- you ARE crap! Heheh!”
Next, Coach Spurrier and Optic Ink Eye, the OIE, ran in and began puching and kicking the detained Shithead! Snigger got up and began sniffing around. Spurrier talked smack. “Didn’t think we’d get’cha huh, boy? We gotcha now, though! Ain’t nobody manipulates Coach Spurrier and gets away with it! Ain’t that right, OIE?” OIE then went on in his alien tongue as he hammered away on Shithead.
“Aww man, this place stinks! Shithead, did you take a crap in here or something? Oh, wait -- you ARE crap! Heheh!”
Next, Coach Spurrier and Optic Ink Eye, the OIE, ran in and began puching and kicking the detained Shithead! Snigger got up and began sniffing around. Spurrier talked smack. “Didn’t think we’d get’cha huh, boy? We gotcha now, though! Ain’t nobody manipulates Coach Spurrier and gets away with it! Ain’t that right, OIE?” OIE then went on in his alien tongue as he hammered away on Shithead.
Johnny Pizzazz ran out next, proclaiming Shit’s End! He ran up and got on top of Shithead, where the demon’s head should have been, and said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, it’s time for the Catalyst of Character, the Mage of the Age, the Maestro of Magic, and the Slayer of Shit… JOHNNY PIZZ--” Before Pizzazz could finish his catchphrase though, he was thrown from the Demon of Defecation onto the ground! Shithead was getting free of the Hands of Time’s control, and could move again. He shrugged off the Maestro of Magic and began to crawl away! Hands of Time quickly grabbed hold of Shithead again, freezing him in place, but was uncertain how long he could hold him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, it’s time for the Catalyst of Character, the Mage of the Age, the Maestro of Magic, and the Slayer of Shit… JOHNNY PIZZ--” Before Pizzazz could finish his catchphrase though, he was thrown from the Demon of Defecation onto the ground! Shithead was getting free of the Hands of Time’s control, and could move again. He shrugged off the Maestro of Magic and began to crawl away! Hands of Time quickly grabbed hold of Shithead again, freezing him in place, but was uncertain how long he could hold him.
Snigger seemed to have found what he was looking for and stopped sniffing. He began pawing an area in the side of Shithead and neighing. Betram Bunny and Vinnie Love appeared next, just in time to aid Snigger. Betram and Vinnie began to use the Cowboy’s reform technique of barking like dogs to fight the Demon of Defecation. They both got on all fours and barked around the area Snigger had sniffed out. Amazingly, the shit in that area began to recoil as if in pain! After some time, the shit moved far enough back that the head of a man was visible! It was the Rosewood Cowboy! Snigger bit down on his shirt and pulled the rest of his body free of Shithead!
With the Cowboy rescued, the Rebellion could now finish off Shithead, and Betram had a good idea of how. He got everyone to get on all fours and bark like dogs! It looked ridiculous and surely violated some laws, but it worked! The barking began to make the overgrown portions of Shithead compress. The Demon of Defecation screamed as he began to implode before his own eyes! Finally, he reached his original size and was weakened. Despite this, he was not defeated.
“You…have w-weakened me, but you…cannot destory me! And if you do not destroy me, then I will grow once more -- in power and in shit!!”
With the Cowboy rescued, the Rebellion could now finish off Shithead, and Betram had a good idea of how. He got everyone to get on all fours and bark like dogs! It looked ridiculous and surely violated some laws, but it worked! The barking began to make the overgrown portions of Shithead compress. The Demon of Defecation screamed as he began to implode before his own eyes! Finally, he reached his original size and was weakened. Despite this, he was not defeated.
“You…have w-weakened me, but you…cannot destory me! And if you do not destroy me, then I will grow once more -- in power and in shit!!”
Betram stepped up to Shithead. His mouth twisted and his stomach turned as he realized what must be done. He was the only one who could destroy Shithead because he was the one who had brought him to the Shit Pitt in the first place. Chanting the words of a spell from a book of Leprechaun magic while on the toilet had opened the door for Shithead -- a doorway leading straight out of Betram’s ass! He had pooped out Shithead, so the only way to get rid of him was for Betram to eat him back up! Betram kneeled down, and began to pull off parts of Shithead! He feasted on the horrible-tasting fecal matter, and in the end, nothing was left! Pizzazz explained why he was doing it to the Rebellion, and that it was all part of his plan! So, Shithead was destroyed, and the Shit War ended, but not without cost -- Betram had a very bad stomach ache after!
The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights
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(C) Copyright 2010 Joshua Dyson
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