Ronnie Slickbottom gets a healing!
Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 2 of 3: “Slickbottom Healed” Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his recent video blog(http://pittreport.blogspot.com/2011/01/pitt-report-reverend-reynolds-video.html), he said that he held a revival in the Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!
The Reverend Reynolds approached his podium, prepared for another night of preaching to the Shitlings. Two nights had passed since the deliverance of Carnastas, the once- cannibalistic clown. At the end of Reynolds’ sermon, Carnastas became overwhelmed with gratitude for the good reverend’s actions on his behalf. Reynolds had prevented Coach Spurrier from eating him, and had stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from shooting them all! Carnastas cried as he proclaimed his desire for forgiveness, but felt that his crimes were to great for him to deserve it! Reverend Reynolds reassured the troubled clown, letting him know that he could be forgiven and his addiction to cannibalism could be removed, if he only believed! Carnastas chose to believe, and all was set right! Carnastas was freed of cannibalism (he became vegetarian in the process) and forgiven for his sins!
Reverend Reynolds hoped that tonight, there would be another conversion to the side of right! To motivate the Shitlings, he decided to bring out the newly-reformed Carnastas!
“Brothers,” Reynolds spoke with a sure and steady voice. “You’re all my brothers because I believe… believe that you’ll turn from wickedness and accept the ways of the Reverend Reynolds inta your lives!”
Gathered before him, sitting in folding chairs, were the same imprisoned shitlings he’d been preaching to for the past three nights. Doctor Dyson sat smugly in his seat, acting as if all this was a joke. Ronnie Slickbottom had trouble sitting in his chair and kept squirming as his hemorrhoids bothered him. Bennie Hate drew hate symbols on his arm with a marker, appearing uninterested in anything the Reverend had to say. Gwala the Zombie sat eating a bag of potato chips as if he were at a movie.
“Yes…I am confident…confident that you’ll all see the light! Ta convince ya though, the Reverend Reynolds has decided to bring out proof that you can change! Let me introduce you all to Deacon Carnastas!”
Out walked Carnastas the Clown, dressed up in a nice suit! He then testified that he was still free of cannibalism and now he had become the first Deacon of the Reverend Reynolds’ new church! He then gave a mini sermon of his own, encouraging the shitlings to repent and make the change. The message got across to Ronnie Slickbottom, who said he was a victim of Shithead, and unlike some of the others there, was not a bad person. Reynolds agreed with him, but said that he must still accept the fact that he had sinned, but all he had to do was believe, and it would all be forgotten. Slickbottom did, and he was converted! Slickbottom then asked if Reynolds could heal his hemorrhoids, which had become much worse in his time as a servant of Shithead.
“Son, I can heal ya…if ya only believe!” Reynolds said.
“Yes Reverend, I believe!”
“Then do as I say, son.” Reynolds lifted his hands in the air. “Drop your pants so we can see your problem.”
“What?” Slickbottom was a little uncertain about that.
“Drop your pants, son! It’s the only way! Do you not believe in the Reverend Reynolds’ healing power?”
Slickbottom was hesistant, but responded regardless. He wanted to be healed, after all. “Oh, yes Reverend I do!” He then dropped his pants and everyone could see the bloody, smelly, digusting mess that Slickbottom’s butt had become! It was awful! The Reverend held his nose.
“Now, son get down on all fours!” Slickbottom was uncertain again, but quickly got down on all fours. Reynolds laid a hand on each of Slickbottom’s butt cheeks, and proclaimed, “Disgusting disease…BE CLEANSED!” With that, Slickbottom’s behind began to heal up right before everyone! It healed until all traces of the horrible hemorrhoids were gone! Slickbottom got completely out of his pants, showing more than anyone wanted to see and danced around like a fool!
“I’M HEALED! I’M HEALED! AFTER 25 YEARS! I’M HEALED!”
The Reverend Reynolds and Deacon Carnastas lifted their hands skyward, rejoicing in the healing power of the Reverend Reynolds! The shitlings looked on in disbelief…
The Pitt Report updates Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson
No comments:
Post a Comment