Monday, January 31, 2011

Pitt Report--Rachel IS Pregnant

Rachel is pregnant!

New Ink Pitt--Pregnancy Predicament pt. 1 of 5: “Rachel IS Pregnant”
While waiting to find out whether or not he was sterile from his doctor, Lenny the Leprechaun had been joined in the waiting room by Rachel, the Mormon Mommy, herself! Rachels retarded son, Rufus, had punched himself in the nuts when Rachel wouldn’t let him go trick or treating! The act was a direct imitation of something Lenny had done to himself back when he first got the idea that he could be sterile. Rachel blamed Lenny for Rufus’ actions and was prepared for a big argument, until the news came--Lenny was not sterile!

“So, Rachel, ye better be keeping that stroller ye were pushing the lad around in, because ye are about to have a real baby--our baby! Go ahead and tell the truth, Lassie! Ye be pregnant with me seed!”

Rachel began to cry but looked angry at the same time. “NO! I said I wouldn’t admit that to you…EVER…because it’s just not true! I’m not pregnant!”

Lenny smiled. “Ah, don’t cry, Lassie! Ol’ Lenny isn’t gonna leave ya to raise the wee one alone! I love ye, Rachel, and I want to spend the rest of me life with you! Now, we can be a family!”

The tears began streaming down Rachel’s face. “NO! We are NOT a family! I don’t care if you DID impregnate me! We can never be a family! I want you to leave me and my son alone, you hear? I don’t care if you punch yourself again--this time, I won’t be feeling sorry for you!” With that, Rachel turned and strormed outside the waiting room! Lenny followed.

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Pitt Report--Reverend Reynolds' Video

Shit Pitt--Shitfall Prelude: Reverend Reynolds Speaks

With the evil Shitlings all captured, the Reverend Reynolds has started a prison ministry to turn their lives around!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Disclaimer: The views expressed by the Reverend Reynolds are his own, and are not meant to represent the views of any known church

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Peepers Pitt Re-introduction

In order to get new readers up to speed on my Peepers New Crew storyline, I am re-running a video post I placed on my other blog, on April 10, 2010. This video was created right before the storyline began, and right after Peepers had placed his "victims" in his Peepers' Pitt. Below is the original introduction:

Mr. Peepers the peeping tom, recently underwent some changes after absorbing the energies of an entire universe! He gained godlike abilities that have allowed him to see just about everything! Now, after seeing all there is in his own universe, Peepers has created his own "whitespace," and placed a group of strange individuals from other realities there to populate it! Peepers seeks to amuse himself by watching these people as they struggle to figure out what's going on!

Peepers' Pitt Introduction

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Monday, January 24, 2011

Pitt Report--Test Results

Rufus is a BIG BABY!
Stroller photo by Salvatore Vuono from
Rufus photo by Joshua Dyson

New Ink Pitt--Sterealizations pt. 5 of 5: “Test Results”
Lenny sat in the waiting room of the clinic. He had returned to get the results of his test. He was about to discover whether or not he was sterile! He sat there, running the possiblities through his head. If his “noots” were still full of baby-making power, then everything would be fine! He would also know that Rachel was lying about not being pregnant by him! However, if he was indeed sterile, Lenny didn’t know what he was going to do! His intense Irish pride would be hurt, and he wasn’t quite sure how it would affect his relations with women. Lenny feels that women want a man who is virile and full of sexual power. Subconsciously, he was actually using the ability to create offspring to compensate for his short stature!

Lenny’s thoughts were interrupted as Rachel, along with her retarded son, Rufus, burst through the door of the waiting room! Rachel was screaming for someone to help and Rufus was bawling like crazy! Lenny was used to the way Rufus threw tantrums in order to get his “mommee’s” sympathy, but there was something startingly different about this one. Rufus sat, holding his groin, inside a BABY STROLLER!! Rachel was pushing her TEENAGE SON around in a BABY STROLLER!! The nurses were shocked by the sight of the oversized “baby” and didn’t know how to react! Rachel spoke first.
“Help us, please!! My son--he hurt his..his”
“MY WEEEENIE!! Rufus shouted.
Rachel agreed. “Yes, there is something wrong with his..ah..weenie! Please help him! We need to see a doctor, NOW!”

The nurses finally got Rachel calmed down, but Rufus continued to cry uncontrollably. The doctor came out to see what was the matter, and agreed to take Rufus back right away! Rufus would not get out of the stroller though, and Rachel had to wheel him into an exam room. The door shut behind them, and Lenny was left all alone once more. After a few moments, Rachel returned. The doctor had made her leave so that he could examine Rufus privately! She then saw Lenny.
“What are YOU doing here?!? Rachel demanded.
Lenny looked unfazed. “Could be askin’ ye the same question, lass!”
“Rufus got upset because I wouldn’t let him go trick or treating!” Rachel paused and her worried expression changed to anger. “Wait a minute! This is YOUR fault! Rufus was imitating you when he punched himself in the…weenie!”

A potential argument was momentarily avoided as a nurse called Lenny up to the desk. Lenny’s test results were given to him. He smiled. “Well, lass, I’m not the only one who has got some explainin’ to do! I know now that I’m not sterile, and that means…YE ARE LYING ABOUT NOT BEIN’ WITH ME CHILD!!!”

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sterealizations Storyline--Lenny at the Whorehouse

Today, I continue to rerun the last few episodes of the Sterealizations storyline, involving Lenny the Leprechaun as he deals with his fears of being sterile! "Lenny at the Whorehouse" is the last episode that appeared on my other blog!

New Ink Pitt--Sterealizations INTERLUDE: “Lenny at the Whorehouse”
Lenny the Leprechaun walked up to what appeared to be a whorehouse! It was an old, large wooden house with a porch out front. On the porch stood just about every type of woman a man could hope for! There was an Asian, an African-American, several types of American white women (redheads, brunettes, and blondes), an East Indian, a Native American Indian, a Mexican, European women (British, Irish, Spanish, and German), and even several Big Beautiful Women! Lenny smiled and eyed his prospective ladies carefully. With such great selection, how in the green hell would he choose just one?

Just when he was about to decide that he would have them all, another whore walked out of the house to join the rest on the porch! The woman was much taller than the rest, and seemed to have a flawless body, with everything proportioned perfectly! Lenny was in awe. Surely, this was the perfect woman! He had made his choice! He would have her! Being as short as Lenny is though, he hadn’t bothered to look up at the tall woman’s face, until now. What he saw was a bit shocking! The seemingly flawless woman had one flaw--she hid her face with a wrestler mask! Lenny thought that maybe this chick wasn’t so hot after all, and decided he would look the rest over again. His choice was taken from him however, as the tall woman quickly grabbed the Leprechaun and pulled him inside the whorehouse!

As strong as Lenny was, he could not resist the tall and powerful woman, and was helpless in her grasp! His desire to resist faded fast anyway, as the woman threw him on a bed and took her top off, revealing the most perfect breasts Lenny had ever seen! Lenny smiled again. Maybe this masked woman wouldn’t be such a bad roll after all! Lenny really didn’t care about what she looked like anyway! It was the other parts of her that mattered most to him! The woman got on top of Lenny, unzipping the Lecherous Leprechaun’s pants! Lenny’s green dragon, however, was nowhere to be found!! The woman searched and searched, but could not find it! Lenny looked down in horror, and then began to feel for it. He too, could not find it! Lenny began to feel an awful feeling of horror setting in. He was not only sterile, but now he was impotent as well!! To make matters worse, the woman began laughing at him. Lenny began to get angry, but before he could do anything about it, the woman pulled of her mask, revealing her face!

The woman was none other than personal trainer and fitness nut, JILLIAN MICHEALS! Lenny screamed in horror! Jillian began to yell at Lenny, and made him get down and do push-ups! Lenny managed to get away, running out of the whorehouse and into the night. It was then that he woke up. Lenny lay in bed in the spare room in Rachel’s house. It had all been a nightmare--except for the part about Jillian Micheals’ looks, which are real! Lenny sighed and laughed at the absurdity of the dream. There was no way his big green dragon would just up and disappear! Yet, perhaps it was a symbol of his vanished virility! Lenny grew fearful again, and couldn’t wait for his test results concerning his possible sterility to come back!
The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Monday, January 17, 2011

Pitt Report--Sterealizations Storyline

It's been a few months since the last episode of the "Sterealizations" storyline, involving Lenny the Leprechaun and his fear that he might be sterile! I will be re-running the last few episodes here for the first time on Blogger this week. Check back here again next week for an all-new episode that concludes the story! For now, check out Sterealizations pt. 4 "Trick Nor Treat" which was written around Halloween 2010!

New Ink Pitt--Sterealizations pt. 4 of 5: “Trick Nor Treat”
Rufus the Retard returned home after leaving The Haunted House of Doom early on Halloween. He was met on the front porch by his mommy, Rachel. Rufus became worried. His mommy didn’t look at all pleased with him. “Rufus!! Where have you been? We were supposed to go trick or treating like we do every year!” Rufus’ eyes darted as he thought of an excuse. “Mommee, I go to Mr. Doom’s haunted house! He pay me money just for showing up!” Rachel’s eyes squinted as she became even more furious with him. “What!?! You’ve been hanging around that sinful Doom AGAIN? I told you not to go back there after last time!!! Why did you disobey me, Rufus?!?” Rufus looked down. “But Mommee, he pay me money even though I not play Fwankenstein! I get there and he tuwn off all the lights and I get scare and wun back home!” Rufus then squatted down on the ground and started crying. “He scare me, Mommee!!!” Rachel looked down at her retarded son, and felt sympathy for him…yet again. She knelt down and hugged him. “Oh, Rufus, I’m sorry. Mommy is sorry she yelled at you. I just want to keep you safe. Mr. Doom is not a bad man, but he has different beliefs that our own. You are very impressionable, and I don’t want you led astray from the Mormon faith! You understand why Mommy was worried about you don’t you?” Rufus smiled, clearly aware that he had once more manipulated his mommy. “Y-yes Mommee I undewstand! Now can we go twick o tweating?” Rachel sighed and told Rufus that it was too late in the evening and that he would now have to wait until next year. Rufus was distraught that he would not get to go out and get candy and let Rachel know. Rachel said that not participating in trick or treating this year was Rufus’ own fault since he ran off without telling her where he was going. Rufus began to cry again, but this time, Rachel showed no sympathy. When that didn’t work, Rufus remembered something his “daddy,” Lenny had done. Rufus raised his fist…and PUNCHED HIMSELF IN THE NUTS!!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Monday, January 10, 2011

Pitt Report--Family Compromise

New Ink Pitt--Thug and Wife for Life pt. 5 of 5: “Family Compromise”

Trevor and Wilbur Hydrick watched as a naked She-Peepers whipped her husband, J-Diddy violently with a tree limb! The scene was not what the brothers expected to find! She-Peepers was no victim of domestic abuse, that was sure!

After a few more minutes, She-Peepers stopped whipping J-Diddy and put her clothes back on. J-Diddy pulled his pants up and gave She-Peepers a deep passionate kiss! The two stared lovingly at each other for a few more moments before turning their attention to Trevor and Wilbur. No one really knew what to say. After seeing and being a victim of She-Peepers’ actions, Trevor didn’t want anything else to do with She-Peepers. Wilbur had come into the woods with She-Peepers to rescue J-Diddy from Trevor, but now wasn’t sure who was in need of help! Finally, Trevor spoke up and told his brother, J-Diddy that he had accused him of abusing She-Peepers. He then shook the Hip Hop Hydrick’s hand. She-Peepers began to speak, but Trevor cut her off. “Nah! I don’t’ wanna hear nothing else outta ya, ya sick bitch! Ah apologize, Junior, but that’s what she is!” J-Diddy smiled at his wife, and agreed with Trevor! The four began to part ways, when a burst of light appeared!

Everyone shielded their eyes from the light, which grew in intensity until it reached a climax. The light suddenly disappeared, and Stardust appeared! The Star-Crossed Crossdresser reminded them that he was still in charge of the New Ink Pitt, and it was he that had brought them all there! He also reminded Trevor and Wilbur that he had given them She-Peepers’ phone number originally, knowing that chaos would ensue! Stardust said they had performed well, and he had to enjoy himself, but now it was time for them to move onto new things! Stardust said that these new things, would come in the form of new conflicts, and that they were right around the corner. Stardust then said he had to go attend to another citizen of the New Ink Pitt --Grandmaster Squeegee! The Hydricks and She-Peepers were all pissed that they had been manipulated, but didn’t know what they could do about it!

Stardust returns!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Pitt Report's Return

The Pitt Report returns with all-new postings next week, Monday January 10, 2010!