Monday, February 21, 2011

Pitt Report--Rachel in the Hidey Hole

Rachel has a rendezvous with Lenny!

New Ink Pitt--Pregnancy Predicament pt. 4 of 5: “Rachel in the Hidey Hole”
Rachel walked up a grassy hill, towards the place she had been told by locals was where Lenny the Leprechaun lived. His home was supposed to be at the top of the hill, but there was no structure anywhere in sight. Rachel had offended Lenny back at her house, when she finally admitted that she felt she and Lenny were too different to be a couple. Now, she had come to make amends by apologizing to the man that had impregnated her.

The wind picked up, blowing Rachel’s long red hair and her even longer coat in the breeze. She walked a little further up the hill, but stopped quickly as the heel of her shoe met with a surface that was unnatural. She looked down, and saw that she had stepped on a sqaure metal slab that was sunken in the ground. Closer observation revealed that it appeared to be some sort of hatch with a handle. Rachel realized, that as strange as it was, that this had to be where Lenny lived! She grabbed the handle with both hands and attempted to pull the hatch open, but it was useless. She wasn’t strong enough. She began to bang on the hatch, and yelling loudly for Lenny to open up.

Lenny finally appeared, throwing the hatch open and shouting like a mad man! His Irish temper was at the boiling point, and he demanded to know who had disturbed him in his “hidey hole.” When he saw Rachel however, all feelings of anger were diffused. She asked to come in, and after a few moments of questioning why she suddenly cared enough to come see him, Lenny finally agreed. Rachel climbed down into the hidey hole after Lenny, on a ladder in a space that really was not made for the average human. Rachel managed to fit though, and made it all the way down inside. Lenny sat on a little tiny couch in an equally tiny room. Rachel had to duck her head to walk around. She apologized to Lenny, and then said she was wrong. She said she needed a husband to help her through the pregnancy, and afterwards, to raise the child. She said Lenny was an honorable man for standing by her, and that he truly was the best man she could have! With that, she wanted to prove it to him. She slipped off her long coat and revealed that she was wearing only her bra and panties underneath! Rachel walked over to Lenny and laid out on his couch…
The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Pitt Report--Charlie Decaye and the Census

Charlie Decaye isn't a bad guy after all!

Peepers’ Pitt--Peepers New Crew pt. 12 of 20: “Charlie Decaye and the Census”
Charlie Decaye, the Pumpkin-Headed Horror, lay on the ground, defeated! Birdy Nok Nok, the bird/man, had attacked Decaye and rescued his friend, Humphrey the Hunchback Hobo! In an effort to make Humphrey and Birdy Nok Nok do something interesting, Mr. Peepers had brought Decaye from another dimension and sent him after them! The pumpkin-headed man was truly frightening, and his appearance had sent the pair running, until now!

“Buvvy, you save me!” Humphrey yelled. You a good Buvvy!” Humphrey reached into the pocket of his old, unwashed sweatshirt, and pulled out some birdseed for Birdy Nok Nok as a reward. Before Birdy Nok Nok could peck it up though, Decaye rose to his feet! Humphrey got upset again. “Buvvy he’s back up! We’s gotta get outta here!”

Decaye stared at them with his glowing eyes. “Wait! It is clear that Decaye have been going about this all wrong! Decaye has no intent on chasing you again! In his own world, Decaye has to be a bit…aggressive to get people to submit to his survey! All Decaye wants to know is…how many there are in your household for the census! Decaye is a census worker in his own world, but he now realizes that this is not his world, and here it may not even be a census year! That Mr. Peepers brought Decaye here, tricking him into thinking that you all were detractors from the census that had somehow found a portal to another world! On Decaye’s world, it is a crime to refuse to submit to the census! Decaye was ready to capture you and take you back to his world, but he realized that you could not be from his world at all!”

Humphrey looked at Birdy Nok Nok. They were both clearly confused by Decaye’s announcement. Humphrey then spoke up. “What yous saying, man? Yous not gonna chase us no more?

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson   

Monday, February 14, 2011

Pitt Report--Love Lost

Has Lenny lost his love?

New Ink Pitt--Pregnancy Predicament pt. 3 of 5: “Love Lost”
Lenny stood on Rachel’s doorstep, looking up into the eyes of the woman he loved. Rachel put her hands behind her neck and sighed. This was not going to be easy.

“Lenny, I told you to leave Rufus and me alone. If you care for me at all, please respect my wishes.”

Lenny frowned. “Rachel, I couldn’t stay away--not now that I know ye are carryin’ me child!”
Rachel turned and walked into her living room. “Stop saying that, please! I don’t need to be reminded of my sin! Please, just go!” Rachel turned towards Lenny again and pointed for him to leave.

Lenny refused to leave and walked inside the house. “NO! I will not leave until ye tell me why ye won’t let me stay and do the honorable t’ing by becomin’ yuir husband!”
Rachel sighed again and looked up into the air, as she accepted defeat. “Ok. Let’s sit down on the couch and talk about this. I’ll tell you why you and I can’t be a couple.” They sat down and Rachel took Lenny’s hands in hers. His small stubby fingers felt so strange to her. They were like the hands of a baby, if not for their rough texture and hairy knuckles. “Lenny, you and I--it would never work. I’m a Mormon, and you’re a Catholic.”

“Just because we have different religions--that shouldn’t stop us! I’d learn to be Mormon for ye, Lassie!” Lenny smiled.

“It’s not just that though. It’s--well…” Rachel struggled to find the right words so as to not offend Lenny.

“Ohhh I see! It’s because I’m a short Leprechaun, is it? Ye don’t feel comfortable bein’ seen with me as yuir husband do ye?”

“Lenny--I don’t know what to else to say. You and I are of two different religions, two different moral states, and two different species. It would never work out.”

Lenny looked down for a moment, then got off the couch and walked out the door. “Well, FINE RACHEL! I’ll leave ye alone! GOODBYE!” With that, he slammed door shut behind him as he left!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Timeless Theatre--Pocahontas 2

Hands of Time examines
Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World!

The Pitt Report is (C) Copyright 2011 Joshua Dyson
Pocahontas 2 is (C) Copyright and TM Trademark 2011 Disney

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Timeless Theatre with the Hands of Time

Be here this Saturday, February 12 at 2 PM for the first of a video blog series entitled Timeless Theatre! Starring the Hands of Time, Timeless Theatre will critically examine forgotten films from several different time periods! Hands of Time will be looking at mostly semi-successful films--some which are underappreciated and some that are just outright stinkers! Check back here this Saturday for a review of Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Monday, February 7, 2011

Pitt Report--Rachel's Choice

Rachel has a decision to make!

New Ink Pitt--Pregnancy Predicament pt. 2 of 5: “Rachel‘s Choice”
Lenny stood outside Rachel’s house. Once again, he had been asked to stay away, but Lenny refused! After finding out that he was not sterile, Lenny knew his night of passion with a drunken Rachel and no condom had been successful! Though she would not admit it, it was obvious that Rachel was indeed pregnant! The love-struck leprechaun was hell-bent on making Rachel his wife, and raising a family with her!

Rachel sat on her couch inside the house, crying. She knew Lenny was outside. It had been only 30 minutes since she had gotten back with Rufus from the doctor and put him to bed. She knew Lenny would come, and that he would not stop until he got her to admit the truth she‘d been keeping from him. Rachel was pregnant, and she could no longer deny it!

Lenny walked up to the door and began to knock. When Rachel didn’t answer right away, he hammered the door harder with his small but tough fists. Tears continued to stream down Rachel’s face, as she stuggled with the choice she had to make. She could face Lenny, and admit what he already knew, but doing so would lead to him wanting to be in her life. While Rachel welcomed the thought of having a man to help her raise this new child and Rufus as well, she knew that she and Lenny--well it just wouldn’t work out. After a few more moments of Lenny beating on the door and yelling for her to open up, Rachel finally made her decision. Minutes later, the door opened and she was looking down at Lenny on her doorstep.
The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!

All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Pitt Report--Carnastas--Vegetarian?!?

Carnastas has been changed!

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 1 of 3:
Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his video blog last week, he said that he held a revival in Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!

The Reverend Reynolds approached his small portable podium and opened the “good book.” He looked at the Shitlings gathered before him, come to hear the good word. They included Doctor Dyson, Gwala the Zombie, Carnastas the Clown, Ronnie Slickbottom, and Bennie Hate. They were a sorry set of sinners, and the reverend knew this firsthand, as until recently, he had been their leader! As the Dark Reverend Reynolds, he had lead the Shitlings in service to the demonic Shithead. They had commited terrible acts, but now that the reverend was once more himself, he sought to make amends by leading the Shitlings out of sin!

He delivered a heartfelt sermon about forgiveness, and how, no matter what their sins, they could be forgiven if they come out from their wicked ways! At the end of the sermon, Reynolds asked if any of them had something to say. Carnastas stood up and said he wanted to thank Reynolds for what he’d done for him. Reverend Reynolds had saved his life twice! First, Reynolds had stopped Steve Spurrier from cashing in on his prize after winning the Eaten Alive Match! Carnastas had been locked up directly after the match, but as soon as the Shitwar ended, Spurrier showed up ready to finally barbecue Carnastas and feed him to his football team! Reynolds appeared and stopped it. Carnastas said Reynolds had saved them all as well when the Cowboy was ready to shoot them. Carnastas began to break down in tears, saying he felt that there was no way he could be forgiven for his crimes, however! As a cannibalistic clown, he desired human flesh and blood for food! He had an addiction. Reynolds walked over to him, and told Carnastas he wanted to try something. Reynolds laid his hands on the head of Carnastas and asked if he believed he could be free. Carnastas was doubtful at first, but said that maybe he could be if the reverned helped him! After a few moments, Carnastas felt different. He didn’t have a desire for human flesh anymore! He suddenly wanted only VEGETABLES to eat! Carnastas jumped up and down crazily in celebration! He had been healed of his affliction!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Pitt Report--Help for Humphrey

Charlie Decaye!

Peepers’ Pitt--Peepers New Crew pt. 11 of 20: “Help for Humphrey”
Last time, Humphrey the Hunchback hobo and his friend, Birdy Nok Nok were being chased through the woods by the Pumpkin-Headed Horror, Charlie Decaye! Decaye had been brought from another dimension by Mr. Peepers to stir up action in the hobo and the birdman, and he had done just that! Birdy Nok Nok had flown up into the sky with his wings, and Humphrey hobbled away as fast as he could! Humphrey had found shelter in a cardboard box in the woods. However, Decaye quickly discovered Humphrey and his “house!”

Decaye peered into the cardboard box where Humphrey had been hiding. His eyes glowed with evil. Humphrey was very frightened, and just knew it was the end for him. Decaye opened his mouth, displaying his sharp, pointy teeth.
“Now, you will tell me HOW MANY IN YOUR PUMPKIN PATCH!?”

Humphrey really didn’t know what Decaye was talking about, and wasn’t really listening at that moment, as he was balled up in a fetal position and filled with fear. Humphrey didn’t have to worry though, because help had arrived! The next sound he heard was the cawing of Birdy Nok Nok as he flew back and forth over Decaye and picked at him with his beak and talons! He drove Decaye back and out of the cardboard box. Humphrey was able to come out and began to cheeer Birdy Nok Nok on! “Yay buvvy! You comes save me!” Decaye finally lay on the ground, defeated by the bird man!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson