Thursday, December 30, 2010

Pitt Report--Fate of the Shitlings

What will be the fate of Gwala the Zombie &
his friends?

Shit Pitt--Shit War pt. 20 of 20: “Fate of the Shitlings”
The Rosewood Cowboy walked down the long hall of the rebellion’s base leading to the holding cells. He was once more in charge after being freed from inside Shithead. The Shit War was over, and now all that was left was to deal with was the apprehended Shitlings. As he reached the end of the hall, he saw them all there, in their respective cells. Carnastas, Ronnie Slickbottom, and Vinnie Hate were now joined by Gwala the Jamaican Zombie and Doctor Dyson, who Spurrier and his crew had captured before the final battle with Shithead. Since the Cowboy fought Shithead about the same time as Terrance the Pirate fought Mr. Clementine during Shitdown, he did not realize that Clementine had been recaptured by the rebellion, or that he had gone missing once more.
The Cowboy addressed the Shitlings with certainty in his voice. He told them of their master’s demise, and that now he intended to deal with the loose ends -- them! He pulled his pistol from its holster and aimed it at Gwala. He was prepared to fire but a voice stopped him. It was the Reverend Reynolds, once leader of the Shitlings, but now the man of faith he had been before he was corrupted by Shithead. Reverend Reynolds pleaded with the Cowboy to have mercy and give the Shitlings a chance to change. Reynolds finally persuaded the Cowboy and he walked off. Reynolds then said that he had come to bring good news to the Shitlings, and that he would reform them by reading to them from the Good Book!
Meanwhile, somewhere out on the ocean, Terrance the Pirate’s ship sailed. He had brought pedophile, Mr. Clementine to his ship, and sailed out so that he could administer his own brand of justice. Terrance would make Clementine walk the plank…to a watery grave! No matter how much Clementine begged, Terrance could not be swayed from his plan. He poked a sword at the bound Clementine and made him walk out, until he fell into the ocean! Terrance laughed as Clementine screamed in fear before sinking into the water! Terrance said a farewell. “Percy the Pedophile was no more as he plunged to the bottom of the ocean floor! YARRRRRR!!!”

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights!
All characters, stories, and performances are (C) 2010 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Pitt Report--Shit in Betram's Stomach

Betram's Belly is in Turmoil!

Shit Pitt--Shit War pt. 19 of 20: “Shit in Betram‘s Stomach”
Betram Bunny lay on an examing table in the Rebellion’s base, complaining of his stomach ache. Eating Shithead had successfully ended the Shit War, but it had left Betram with a lot to digest! The fear was that Betram would finally digest Shithead, and when he passed him out of his system, the Demon of Defecation would be reborn!
Johnny Pizzazz had a plan though. The whole idea of Betram eating Shithead had been his idea anyway. Pizzazz used his magic to somehow see inside Betram’s bowels and open a inter-dimensional doorway back to the place where Shithead had come from. So, the threat of Shithead was removed, and Betram’s stomach troubles were over.
La Luna Guerrerro, who had been captured by Shithead, was found encased inside hardened fecal matter inside Shithead’s darkened stone chamber. Evidently, Guerrerro had broken free and put up a fight. Shithead had covered him in shit to hold him until he could be dealt with later. The Rebellion finally freed him after much work, and he was fine.

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights All characters, stories, photos, and performances are (C) Copyright 2010 Joshua Dyson

Monday, December 27, 2010

Pitt Report--End of Shithead

Betram Bunny, Rosewood Cowboy, and Shithead!
How will Shithead be defeated?

Shitt Pitt--Shit’s End pt. 3 of 3: “End of Shithead”
Somewhere inside the messy mass of Shithead, the Rosewood Cowboy was alive! The Cowboy had been sucked up into the Demon of Defecation after he lost the Shitty Shootout against him! It appeared that the Cowboy was gone for good, lost in a fecal finality. Snigger, his horse, knew better. As the animal made its way down the long hall leading to Shithead’s inner sanctum, he knew that somehow his master was still alive! Moments later, Snigger was rushing through the doorless entry into the dark stone chamber where Shithead “sat.” Snigger reared back on his hind legs and neighed loudly before rushing the Demon of Defecation.
“What is this? “ Shithead said. “The rebellion has sent a horse to do their job?”
Shithead lifted a huge tendril of turds and swatted Snigger aside. He then laughed.
“I knew they would be coming for me, but I didn’t’ know they’d send YOU!” Shithead pointed the tendril right at Snigger, and began to bury the horse in a growing pile of wet, sticky poo!

Suddenly, Shithead’s stream of shit was stopped in midair! It seemed that his entire body had been frozen in place as well! The Hands of Time appeared in the entry to the dark stone chamber, smiling!
“Aww man, this place stinks! Shithead, did you take a crap in here or something? Oh, wait -- you ARE crap! Heheh!”
Next, Coach Spurrier and Optic Ink Eye, the OIE, ran in and began puching and kicking the detained Shithead! Snigger got up and began sniffing around. Spurrier talked smack. “Didn’t think we’d get’cha huh, boy? We gotcha now, though! Ain’t nobody manipulates Coach Spurrier and gets away with it! Ain’t that right, OIE?” OIE then went on in his alien tongue as he hammered away on Shithead.

Johnny Pizzazz ran out next, proclaiming Shit’s End! He ran up and got on top of Shithead, where the demon’s head should have been, and said,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, it’s time for the Catalyst of Character, the Mage of the Age, the Maestro of Magic, and the Slayer of Shit… JOHNNY PIZZ--” Before Pizzazz could finish his catchphrase though, he was thrown from the Demon of Defecation onto the ground! Shithead was getting free of the Hands of Time’s control, and could move again. He shrugged off the Maestro of Magic and began to crawl away! Hands of Time quickly grabbed hold of Shithead again, freezing him in place, but was uncertain how long he could hold him.

Snigger seemed to have found what he was looking for and stopped sniffing. He began pawing an area in the side of Shithead and neighing. Betram Bunny and Vinnie Love appeared next, just in time to aid Snigger. Betram and Vinnie began to use the Cowboy’s reform technique of barking like dogs to fight the Demon of Defecation. They both got on all fours and barked around the area Snigger had sniffed out. Amazingly, the shit in that area began to recoil as if in pain! After some time, the shit moved far enough back that the head of a man was visible! It was the Rosewood Cowboy! Snigger bit down on his shirt and pulled the rest of his body free of Shithead!

With the Cowboy rescued, the Rebellion could now finish off Shithead, and Betram had a good idea of how. He got everyone to get on all fours and bark like dogs! It looked ridiculous and surely violated some laws, but it worked! The barking began to make the overgrown portions of Shithead compress. The Demon of Defecation screamed as he began to implode before his own eyes! Finally, he reached his original size and was weakened. Despite this, he was not defeated.
“You…have w-weakened me, but you…cannot destory me! And if you do not destroy me, then I will grow once more -- in power and in shit!!”

Betram stepped up to Shithead. His mouth twisted and his stomach turned as he realized what must be done. He was the only one who could destroy Shithead because he was the one who had brought him to the Shit Pitt in the first place. Chanting the words of a spell from a book of Leprechaun magic while on the toilet had opened the door for Shithead -- a doorway leading straight out of Betram’s ass! He had pooped out Shithead, so the only way to get rid of him was for Betram to eat him back up! Betram kneeled down, and began to pull off parts of Shithead! He feasted on the horrible-tasting fecal matter, and in the end, nothing was left! Pizzazz explained why he was doing it to the Rebellion, and that it was all part of his plan! So, Shithead was destroyed, and the Shit War ended, but not without cost -- Betram had a very bad stomach ache after!

The Pitt Report updates Monday, Tuesday and Thursday nights
All characters, stories, photos, and performaces are
(C) Copyright 2010 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Pitt Report

Coach Spurrier is victorious!

Shit Pitt--Shit’s End INTERLUDE 2: “Rebellion‘s Rendezvous”

Coach Spurrier, Betram Bunny, and Vinnie Love traveled along the path back to the rebellion’s base. Spurrier rode on Snigger the horse, looking proud. He couldn’t wait to show the rebellion that he had accomplished exactly what he said he would by rescuing Betram and Vinnie Love from the Shitlings! Spurrier felt that instead of sitting around “making plans,” the rebellion should have been taking action as he had. His efforts had even been rewarded with a bonus in the capture of Shitlings Dr. Dyson and Gwala the Zombie, who were hitched to Snigger’s saddle and walking behind the group. Oh yes, Spurrier was riding high! His only regret was that he was unable to locate the rebellion leader, “Chance” Clemens -- the Rosewood Cowboy. The Cowboy had gone off solo as Spurrier had, only he went straight to the source of the “shit” by attacking the Demon of Defecation himself, SHITHEAD! No one had seen him since.

Betram, who had gotten drunk with Spurrier the night before, and asked him if he liked bunnies, now had a crush on the Cocky Coach! The Bisexual Bunny had been in love with some strange characters in the past, but he felt that Spurrier was special. The Coach loved him for his animalistic qualities, something he’d never experienced in a relationship before. Spurrier, in his drunken state, had even let Betram sit on his lap as they watched the sun rise together! Betram was all giddy inside, but then he remembered his face, and how he was scarred. Betram hadn’t been able to get Dr. Dyson to fix it, but now that he was their prisioner, maybe he could force him! Betram was hopeful and kept looking up at Spurrier lovingly as they walked.

Betram Bunny is still horribly

Meanwhile, the most unexpected person Spurrier found captured by the Shitlings was Vinnie Love. The Leader of Love was thought to have been changed by Shithead into Vinie Hate, the total opposite of himself. Turns out that Vinnie Hate was actually Vinnie Love’s twin brother, Bennie! The Love Man could not be broken by Shithead, so he was thrown into a cell and replaced by his brother as Vinnie Hate, the Daddy of Dislike! How Love was captured, the attempts by Shithead to change him, and his relationship with his twin brother was a story yet to be told.

Vinnie Love is back!

Spurrier stopped Snigger in his tracks as he saw something up ahead. It was Johnny Pizzazz and the rest of the rebellion, on their way to execute Pizzazz’s plan to end the Shit War! The two groups compared stories, and Spurrier talked about how great he was. Finally, they all came together on Johnny Pizzazz’s plan and marched on to put it into action! Would this truly be the end of Shithead’s rule, or would the rebellion fall against the dark power of the Demon of Defectation? To be continued…

New Episodes return Monday December 27, 2010

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2010 Joshua Dyson