Shit Pitt--Walking Dead Sermon

Can Gwala be Saved?

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Suitable Sermons pt. 3 of 3: "Walking Dead Sermon"
Last time, the Reverend Reynolds had preached about the evils of doctors and the healthcare industry with the fiery sermon entitled, “Ask Your Doctor? Is he God?”
The suitable sermon had been custom-made for one of the most evil Shitlings--Doctor Dyson! The Devilish Doctor had worked for Shithead, altering good people with his medical meddlings! Now, it was time for the Good Reverend to preach one last suitable sermon in his series. He would preach his final sermon on…THE WALKING DEAD!

Of the three Shitlings sitting before Reynolds, perhaps the most horrifying was Gwala, the Jamaican Zombie! Supposedly, this skull-faced creature was a zombie true to type…a devourer of human flesh and blood who took a special liking to BRAINS! Yet, in all the conflict of the Shit War, it seemed that Gwala wasn’t really after human flesh at all. No, Carnastas the Cannibalistic Clown (who had now become a vegetarian) had lusted for flesh, but not Gwala! It seemed Gwala was only interested in eating potato chips, as he had brought a bag to every sermon thus far! Reverend Reynolds didn’t really notice this fact, and took Gwala for a stereotypical zombie!

“Brothers, there is one among us who is not alive….BUT he’s not quite dead either! My friends, I tell ya the truth, that among us is…THE WALKING DEAD!” The Reverend Reynolds paused in order to let that idea sink in. Doctor Dyson and Bennie Hate didn’t seem to be paying any attention at all. Gwala munched down on a large bag of potato chips. His skeletal face and long dreadlocks were testament to the fact that, at least in appearance, he was truly a JAMAICAN ZOMBIE!

Reynolds continued. “Yes, he is one of the WALKING DEAD, and is neither alive or dead! Now, that presents a problem. In order to be saved from your sins, there has to be life! You have to have a life that you can surrender to the light in order to be saved. During your life, you get saved before death! Yet, this individual has NO life, as he already walks with death! Did you hear me?!? He WALKS with DEATH! How can this be? How can a dead man WALK? How can a living man be DEAD? It just doesn’t make sense!”

Reynolds paused again, and looked sternly at Gwala, who had finished his entire bag of potato chips!

“Believe me, Brothers, the Good Reverend has questioned his faith and tried to find an answer to this dilemma! He has tried to save this individual who walks, yet who is dead! He’s tried to help this person who eats human flesh and brains! The Good Reverend got down on his knees and pondered the fate of this creature’s soul! That was when he got the answer! The Reverend Reynolds was shown the truth about the WALKING DEAD! This individual cannot be saved, because he is not alive in the sense that we know it, and because of this…HE HAS NO SOUL! Since he has no soul, then there is no hope for him! There is nothing the Good Reverend can do to help him!”

Gwala looked a bit sad. He then took out another bag of potato chips and started eating them. The Good Reverend walked down to Gwala, with tears in his eyes. He put his hand on the Jamaican Zombie’s shoulder and said,

“Gwala, I’m sorry. There are just some creatures that are beyond salavation.”

The reverend then sank to his knees as tears streamed down his face. Suddenly, a light appeared above the reverend and Gwala. Reynolds looked up in wonderment. When he looked down again, he saw that his hands were glowing! In the next second, he lost control of himself, and his left hand shot up, and once more rested on Gwala’s shoulder. Reynolds looked up once more, and no longer saw a skeletal Jamaican zombie. In it’s place was a young Jamaican man with dreadlocks!

“BROTHERS! LOOK! IT’S A MIRACLE! GWALA HAS BEEN HEALED AND RESTORED TO LIFE! REJOICE!”

COMING IN OCTOBER: THE RESOLUTION OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF DOOM STORYLINE!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Pitt Report

Coach Spurrier is victorious!

Shit Pitt--Shit’s End INTERLUDE 2: “Rebellion‘s Rendezvous”

Coach Spurrier, Betram Bunny, and Vinnie Love traveled along the path back to the rebellion’s base. Spurrier rode on Snigger the horse, looking proud. He couldn’t wait to show the rebellion that he had accomplished exactly what he said he would by rescuing Betram and Vinnie Love from the Shitlings! Spurrier felt that instead of sitting around “making plans,” the rebellion should have been taking action as he had. His efforts had even been rewarded with a bonus in the capture of Shitlings Dr. Dyson and Gwala the Zombie, who were hitched to Snigger’s saddle and walking behind the group. Oh yes, Spurrier was riding high! His only regret was that he was unable to locate the rebellion leader, “Chance” Clemens -- the Rosewood Cowboy. The Cowboy had gone off solo as Spurrier had, only he went straight to the source of the “shit” by attacking the Demon of Defecation himself, SHITHEAD! No one had seen him since.

Betram, who had gotten drunk with Spurrier the night before, and asked him if he liked bunnies, now had a crush on the Cocky Coach! The Bisexual Bunny had been in love with some strange characters in the past, but he felt that Spurrier was special. The Coach loved him for his animalistic qualities, something he’d never experienced in a relationship before. Spurrier, in his drunken state, had even let Betram sit on his lap as they watched the sun rise together! Betram was all giddy inside, but then he remembered his face, and how he was scarred. Betram hadn’t been able to get Dr. Dyson to fix it, but now that he was their prisioner, maybe he could force him! Betram was hopeful and kept looking up at Spurrier lovingly as they walked.

Betram Bunny is still horribly

disfigured!

Meanwhile, the most unexpected person Spurrier found captured by the Shitlings was Vinnie Love. The Leader of Love was thought to have been changed by Shithead into Vinie Hate, the total opposite of himself. Turns out that Vinnie Hate was actually Vinnie Love’s twin brother, Bennie! The Love Man could not be broken by Shithead, so he was thrown into a cell and replaced by his brother as Vinnie Hate, the Daddy of Dislike! How Love was captured, the attempts by Shithead to change him, and his relationship with his twin brother was a story yet to be told.

Vinnie Love is back!

Spurrier stopped Snigger in his tracks as he saw something up ahead. It was Johnny Pizzazz and the rest of the rebellion, on their way to execute Pizzazz’s plan to end the Shit War! The two groups compared stories, and Spurrier talked about how great he was. Finally, they all came together on Johnny Pizzazz’s plan and marched on to put it into action! Would this truly be the end of Shithead’s rule, or would the rebellion fall against the dark power of the Demon of Defectation? To be continued…

New Episodes return Monday December 27, 2010

All characters, stories, photos, and performances are
(C) Copyright 2010 Joshua Dyson