Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Pitt Report--Horse-napped!

Spurrier and Snigger!


Shit Pitt--Spurrier & Snigger pt. 1 of 3: “Horse-napped”
The last time we saw Spurrier, he was fighting alongside the rebellion in final battle against Shithead, the Demon of Defectation! The Cocky Coach had been instrumental in the outcome of that war, by successfully freeing two individuals who had set into motion the fall of Shithead--Vinnie Love and Betram Bunny! Vinnie and Betram had used the Rosewood Cowboy’s four-legged barking reform technique to shrink Shithead back to his normal size. Betram was then able to defeat Shithead by eating him up!

Spurrier had not gone alone on his rescue mission however, as he had rode on the back of Snigger, the Rosewood Cowboy’s horse! After a drunken pep talk to the rebellion, Spurrier had “coaxed” Snigger the horse into allowing the Cocky Coach to ride on his back. This was probably due to the fact that Snigger wanted to rescue his master, but Spurrier, who has often stated his love for animals, thought it was something more!

Now, Spurrier walked quietly towards the horse barn on the Rosewood Cowboy’s farm. Night had fallen and everyone was asleep. It was the perfect time for Spurrier to put his plan into action! Spurrier grinned, showing yellow teeth! His leathery skin stretched and strained, leaving cracks that would never go away! Spurrier had been in the sun so often with his football players, that his face was as red as the garnet color his team loved! His grin grew impossibly larger as he came to the stall where Snigger was held. Spurrier had enjoyed riding Snigger and it had made him proud as they worked together to rescue their friends! Spurrier felt there was a special bond between them, and he had come to continue that relationship!

“There ya are! Mah goodness you's a fine animal, Snigger! Ah missed ya, boy! Didja ya miss me too?”

Snigger had been sleeping, but awoke as Spurrier began to stroke his belly.

“Yeah, we had a good thing together, Snigger! We can have it again too!” Snigger neighed a bit.

“Don’t cha wanna go out for a ride, boy? Let me tell yew something...Coach Spurrier don’t take no crap, and Snigger, you ain’t no crap! You is a mighty fine animal, and it is an honor ta RIDE you! Ah’m gonna have you all to myself…now, and FOREVER!”

Spurrier continued to talking to Snigger, once again “coaxing” him, until he was able to put a bridle on, jump on his back, and ride him out of the stable! The Rosewood Cowboy heard the trotting of Snigger’s hooves leaving the farm, and ran out, but it was too late! Spurrier and Snigger were gone, vanishing into the darkness of the night!

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The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Monday, July 4, 2011

Pitt Report--Irish Dancing


Lenny wants Rachel to Dance with him!

New Ink Pitt--Lenny’s Lifestyle pt. 3 of 5: “Irish Dancing”
Lenny leapt off his stool, drunkenly dragging Rachel by the hand behind him. The leprechuan had been failing at getting his lady love to have a good time in his environment, but he hoped that some Irish dancing would change that!

“Now, Lass ye will be feelin lots better after ye’ve tried this!”

Rachel pulled her hand out of Lenny’s and looked around. Everyone was watching them as they stood there in the middle of the Irish pub. They were quite an odd pair. Rachel, with her striking red hair and perfect figure, towered above Lenny at a height of 5’3.” Lenny was more like 3’5.” Rachel stood apart from Lenny, uncertain about things. She just wanted to leave and get away from the sinfulness that surrounded her.

Lenny could not be detered from his pursuit however, as he kicked out one of his little legs and began to dance! The Lecherous Leprechaun quickly proved that he had much more than naughty behavior in his arsenal when it came to impressing the lasses! He danced up a storm, and appeared as if he was floating his feet moved so fast! Rachel actually began smiling when she saw how talented her leprechaun lover was! Lenny turned his back on Rachel for one instant, and a man walked up to proposition her! The man was obviously upset that Rachel was there with Lenny.

“Hey babe…c’mon over here and let me buy ya a drink!” The man smelt of beer and he got right up behind Rachel and put an hand on her shoulder in order to lead her away from Lenny. Lenny turned just in time to see this and quickly stopped dancing!

“What in the green hell do ye think ye’re doin’? That be ME lass ye are accosting!” Lenny began walking up the man to stop him.

“Shut up ya little turd! Babe like this deserves a REAL MAN!” The man caught Lenny off guard, and shoved him down to the floor!

“Lenny!” Rachel squirmed and struggled to get free of the man, who had now caught one of her arms in his firm grip. Lenny quickly got to his feet.

“Sir, I ask that ye please don’t do this!” The man just laughed at Lenny and began pulling Rachel away. Lenny got angrier as he spoke again. “Sir if ye don’t stop, I will be forced ta bring harm to ye!”

The man laughed again. “What can a little shrimp like you do to ME?” Lenny smiled, and without saying another word, sprang into action! Rachel was free in the next moment, as the man released his grip after Lenny took a bite right out his leg! The man crawled over to a bar stool and cursed Lenny. He then broke a bottle over the bar and pointed the sharp edges remaining at the leprechaun. “You’re gonna pay for that, shrimp!”

Join my mailing list and receive monthly art postcards featuring my characters! Send your postal address in message form on facebook at http://www.facebook.com/people/Joshua-Dyson/39603993 or email to awerty7@hotmail.com


The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson