Monday, April 25, 2011

Pitt Report--Esteem Building Exercises

Lenny doesn't like Esteem-Building!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 5 of 5: “Esteem-Building Exercises”
Elder Brad led Rachel and Lenny into the living room of the house, where other people were gathered for the Mormon tradition of Family Home Meeting. Everyone was dressed up, and Lenny noticed one thing that stood out more than anything else. Out of the 12 or so people in the room, about 8 of them were all women! Now it was Rachel that should have felt jealous, as the lecherous leprechaun reverted to type and began eyeing the women in the room. There were all attractive, and Lenny wondered what could draw such women to a meeting like this. Elder Brad sat in a folding chair in the middle of the living room, and everyone sat around it on the couch and chairs.

Elder Brad welcomed them all to Family Home Meeting and told them that they had a guest. He then let Rachel introduce Lenny to everyone. Lenny reluctantly said “hello” and then crossed his little arms in dislike due to all the stares he was getting. Rachel saw what he was feeling and put her hand on on his, cancelling all his discomfort with her touch. Lenny loved it when Rachel touched him. He wanted to touch her back, but he wanted to do more than hold hands! The leprechaun’s lustful excitement was growing and he ran his hand up Rachel’s arm slowly. Rachel saw it coming though, and quickly put a stop to it as she swatted Lenny’s roving hand! A few people noticed something was up with the two of them, but they seemed to take little thought of it since they were so engrossed in all Elder Brad was saying.

After a prayer and a brief talk about the ways of Mormonism, Elder Brad said they would be doing esteem-building exercises. One person would sit in the middle of the circle where he now was, and everyone around them would give them compliments. Lenny’s eyes grew big in astonishment, and he almost fell off the couch in laughter! Was Elder Brad really serious? These people were really going to give each other compliments? Lenny wondered what kind of lame lifestyle they were living if they actually had to meet up and compliment each other on a weekly basis. Elder Brad said anyone could start. A dark-haired and rather buxom woman (who Lenny had been checking out since he entered the room) got up and said that she would go first. Elder Brad got up and the woman, whose name was Mary, sat down in the chair. Elder Brad directed those around her to take turns in complimenting Mary. The Mormons all gave three positive statements that defined Mary and built her esteem up. Rachel even participated, saying Mary was trustworthy, a good friend, and helpful. Elder Brad asked Lenny if he wanted to take part, and Lenny said he would. He certainly had no problem complimenting the buxom Mary! If only he had censored his words a bit! Lenny looked at Mary carefully and then said she was pretty, a fine lass, and had nice big ti--but before he could finish Rachel shouted, “Lenny!” Lenny then edited his speech and said Mary had a nice smile. Mary and the other Mormons seemed oblivious to what Lenny was going to say, and went on with their esteem-building. Everyone took a turn, including Rachel. Lenny expressed how wonderful he thought she was when it was his turn to talk. He declined to speak about any one else though, and snickered as the Mormons came up with all kinds of positive things to say about each other.

Finally, Elder Brad asked Lenny if he wanted to sit in the circle, and after Rachel begged him to, he did. Before anyone could say anything, Elder Brad sat down in Lenny’s spot on the couch beside Rachel, as he had done with everyone else since there were no more chairs. When Lenny saw this, his anger exploded! Lenny was fed up with this Elder Brad getting close to his woman! Lenny took a flying leap and jumped right onto Elder Brad and began punching him in the face with his little fists!

“Leave me woman be ye basterd!”

When they finally got Lenny off of Brother Brad, he was asked to leave, along with Rachel. What was supposed to have been the best date of all for Rachel and Lenny turned out to be a disaster, with Lenny leaving the worst possible impression on Rachel’s friends. She was crushed, and more uncertain than ever about considering him as her future husband.
The Pitt Report updates Mondays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Monday, April 18, 2011

Pitt Report--Family Home Meeting Date

Lenny feels a little out of place
at Family Home Meeting

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 4 of 5: “Family Home Meeting Date”
Rachel and Lenny stood on the porch of a modest home in a suburban neighborhood. After Lenny was unable to restrain himself on their last date in the movie theater, Rachel knew that this date had to be different. She had to get Lenny thinking about things to do on a date other than sex. What better way to do that than by introducing him to some of her closest friends, and the faith that kept her afloat? Rachel grew hopeful, feeling that after Lenny learned the ways of Mormonism, he would surely become a more virtuous and respectful individual!

Rachel knocked on the door and waited. The door opened, revealing and dark-haired guy with glasses. Rachel smiled and greeted him by grabbing both his hands. Lenny’s brow furrowed in jealously.

“Oh, it is so good to see you, Elder Brad! I have missed you!” Lenny’s face crumpled in a building jealous rage.

“It is also good to see you, Rachel. I have been away for some time, doing my part as a missionary, and I had forgotten how beautiful you are.” Rachel blushed, and looked a little uncomfortable.

Lenny’s body stiffened. He was prepared to take a flying leap and beat this guy senseless! No way was this Elder Brad going to flirt with his woman and get away with it! Lenny was unable to act, however, as he body turned to jello as the red-haired, fair-skinned Rachel flashed a smile down at the leprechaun. “Oh, this is my b-boyfriend…Lenny.”

Elder Brad looked down with a self-centered, judgemental glance. He didn’t seem to think too much of Lenny at first. “Oh, um…hello.” Then, his expression changed when a huge smile came on his face. “Welcome, Lenny…to Family Home Meeting!”

Lenny knew that Rachel was taking him to this thing Mormons call Family Home Meeting, but he really didn’t know what it was all about. He was about to find out though…

The Pitt Report updates Mondays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Pitt Report--Choo Choo's Condition

Choo Choo Andrews, Railroad Man

Peepers’ Pitt--Peepers New Crew pt. 15 of 20: “Choo Choo‘s Condition”
Humphrey the Hobo, Birdy Nok Nok, and Charlie Decaye had finally found the end of the forest they had been placed in by Mr. Peepers. Upon exiting, they saw a train depot, complete with fellow victim, Choo Choo Andrews, sprawled out on the railroad track!

The three rushed to investigate and determine Choo Choo’s condition. Actually, only Decaye and Birdy Nok Nok rushed to the conductor’s aid. Humphrey Hobo slowly walked in Choo Choo’s direction, as he was more interested in finding some discarded food on the ground. Decaye reached Choo Choo first and knelt down to help the old man.

“Sir, are you all right?” Decaye spoke in his gravely voice. Choo Choo groaned and his eyes fluttered open. His eyes popped open wide when he saw the frightening face of Charlie Decaye, the Pumpkin-Headed Horror!

“Wh- Who are you?” Choo Choo weezed.

“Do not be afraid sir, Charlie Decaye means you no harm! Decaye and his friends here were kidnapped by…Mr. Peepers. Do you know him?”

Choo Choo gathered himself and rose to a sitting position. He became more confident that he was among friends when he saw Humphrey the Hobo, who had originally arrived in the Peepers’ Pitt at the same time he had. Choo Choo put his spectacles to his coal-covered face. “Son, I‘m in the same boat… brought here ‘gainst my will like you all. This Mr. Peepers…I spoke to him. Asked him two questions…where I was and why. He only answered one. Said we’re in his Peepers’ Pitt! Then he told me to find a train before dark! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t like what would happen! Turns out, I found the depot, but I missed the train. Schedule on the depot door says so.” Decaye got up and walked to the depot. On the front door was a schedule. The only departure was at “dark,” with no arrivals.

Choo Choo continued. “After all that walking for nothin’ I just laid down here on the track in defeat. Must’a fell asleep. Ain’t as young as I used ta be!”

Humphrey finally made his way to the tracks where they were. “So’s waz we’s gon do? We’s gon get sumpin to eats?”

Decaye answered Humphrey’s question by glaring and then pointing a finger at the railroad track. “We go…that way. Surely there is something at the end of the railroad track, or along it. We must find civilization, if there is any in this world. Decaye will not stop until he has found Mr. Peepers, and forced him to send us all home!”

The Pitt Report updates Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Monday, April 11, 2011

Pitt Report--Movie Date

Lenny can't believe Russell Brand is
even in a movie!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 3 of 5: “Movie Date”
Rachel and Lenny sat close to each other in a movie theater, watching the premiere of the re-imagined romantic comedy, Arthur, staring the creepy Russell Brand. Lenny thought he was creepy at least, and tried to get Rachel to agree to watch Your Highness, starring a half-naked Natalie Portman! Rachel would have none of that however, because she didn’t want her potential future husband checking out any women other than herself. Rachel should have realized that Lenny’s thoughts on these dates were bound to wander since he knew there would be no sexual payoff at the end.

Halfway through the movie, Lenny was getting restless. As Russell Brand paraded around on the big screen acting like a damn fool and complaining about chosing between love or the money he could get in an arranged marriage, Lenny began to think about Rachel. He looked around at the darkness of the theater, and began to think dirty thoughts. He knew what he’d rather be doing with Rachel in the dark right now! He slid his stubby little hand over and touched Rachel’s fingers. She took his hand and smiled down at him before once more turning her attention to the movie. Russell Brand smiled a big, stupid, bearded smile that disgusted Lenny. They will let anyone be an actor these days!

Lenny returned to his dirty thoughts about Rachel. He was trying so hard to be good, and show Rachel that he could go out with her and enjoy her company without it all ending in sex. His desire was too great however, as he leaned his little body forward and put his hand on her leg. Rachel looked down with an unpleasant look on her face, but then she just ignored Lenny, and continued watching the movie, in the hopes that his hand would go no farther. Her hopes would be dashed however, as before Russell Brand could fully finish making a jackass out of himself and totally killing the movie, Lenny had run his hand up Rachel’s dress, caressing her most private place! A moment later, and the lecherous leprechaun leapt up onto her, and grabbed one of her breasts in his other hand and began fondling it! Rachel yelled for Lenny to stop, which probably made the awful movie they had been watching a whole lot more interesting for everyone in the theater! Rachel pushed Lenny off and told him no. She then walked out of the theater. Lenny stood in the middle of the aisle between the seats for a moment. He then looked back at the screen and yelled, “Aye, shut da hell up, Russell!” He then ran off after Rachel.

The Pitt Report updates Mondays.
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Pitt Report--Slickbottom Healed

Ronnie Slickbottom gets a healing!

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 2 of 3: “Slickbottom Healed” Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his recent video blog(, he said that he held a revival in the Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!

The Reverend Reynolds approached his podium, prepared for another night of preaching to the Shitlings. Two nights had passed since the deliverance of Carnastas, the once- cannibalistic clown. At the end of Reynolds’ sermon, Carnastas became overwhelmed with gratitude for the good reverend’s actions on his behalf. Reynolds had prevented Coach Spurrier from eating him, and had stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from shooting them all! Carnastas cried as he proclaimed his desire for forgiveness, but felt that his crimes were to great for him to deserve it! Reverend Reynolds reassured the troubled clown, letting him know that he could be forgiven and his addiction to cannibalism could be removed, if he only believed! Carnastas chose to believe, and all was set right! Carnastas was freed of cannibalism (he became vegetarian in the process) and forgiven for his sins!

Reverend Reynolds hoped that tonight, there would be another conversion to the side of right! To motivate the Shitlings, he decided to bring out the newly-reformed Carnastas!

“Brothers,” Reynolds spoke with a sure and steady voice. “You’re all my brothers because I believe… believe that you’ll turn from wickedness and accept the ways of the Reverend Reynolds inta your lives!”

Gathered before him, sitting in folding chairs, were the same imprisoned shitlings he’d been preaching to for the past three nights. Doctor Dyson sat smugly in his seat, acting as if all this was a joke. Ronnie Slickbottom had trouble sitting in his chair and kept squirming as his hemorrhoids bothered him. Bennie Hate drew hate symbols on his arm with a marker, appearing uninterested in anything the Reverend had to say. Gwala the Zombie sat eating a bag of potato chips as if he were at a movie.

“Yes…I am confident…confident that you’ll all see the light! Ta convince ya though, the Reverend Reynolds has decided to bring out proof that you can change! Let me introduce you all to Deacon Carnastas!”

Out walked Carnastas the Clown, dressed up in a nice suit! He then testified that he was still free of cannibalism and now he had become the first Deacon of the Reverend Reynolds’ new church! He then gave a mini sermon of his own, encouraging the shitlings to repent and make the change. The message got across to Ronnie Slickbottom, who said he was a victim of Shithead, and unlike some of the others there, was not a bad person. Reynolds agreed with him, but said that he must still accept the fact that he had sinned, but all he had to do was believe, and it would all be forgotten. Slickbottom did, and he was converted! Slickbottom then asked if Reynolds could heal his hemorrhoids, which had become much worse in his time as a servant of Shithead.

“Son, I can heal ya…if ya only believe!” Reynolds said.

“Yes Reverend, I believe!”

“Then do as I say, son.” Reynolds lifted his hands in the air. “Drop your pants so we can see your problem.”

“What?” Slickbottom was a little uncertain about that.

“Drop your pants, son! It’s the only way! Do you not believe in the Reverend Reynolds’ healing power?”

Slickbottom was hesistant, but responded regardless. He wanted to be healed, after all. “Oh, yes Reverend I do!” He then dropped his pants and everyone could see the bloody, smelly, digusting mess that Slickbottom’s butt had become! It was awful! The Reverend held his nose.

“Now, son get down on all fours!” Slickbottom was uncertain again, but quickly got down on all fours. Reynolds laid a hand on each of Slickbottom’s butt cheeks, and proclaimed, “Disgusting disease…BE CLEANSED!” With that, Slickbottom’s behind began to heal up right before everyone! It healed until all traces of the horrible hemorrhoids were gone! Slickbottom got completely out of his pants, showing more than anyone wanted to see and danced around like a fool!


The Reverend Reynolds and Deacon Carnastas lifted their hands skyward, rejoicing in the healing power of the Reverend Reynolds! The shitlings looked on in disbelief…

The Pitt Report updates Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Pitt Report--Choo Choo's Destination

Humphrey, Birdy, and Decaye have found Choo Choo Andrews!

Peepers’ Pitt--Peepers New Crew pt. 14 of 20: “Choo Choo‘s Destination”
Humphrey the Hobo, Birdy Nok Nok, and Charlie Decaye walked through the seemingly endless forest of Peepers’ Pitt. After realizing that Mr. Peepers had tricked him into chasing after Humphrey and Birdy, Charlie Decaye was a bit upset. He wanted answers, and most of all, he wanted to go home! The three marched along in silence as Decaye led them.

Humphrey spoke up. “Hey, man! Whys we walkin’ around so much?” He tapped Decaye on the shoulder as he talked. Decaye whirled around. The Pumpkin-Headed Horror was still quite frightening, despite the fact that he was simply a census worker that had no intention of harming anyone. Humphrey gasped at the sight of him once more. The hobo just couldn’t get used to the pumpkin head and glowing eyes. Night was falling and Decaye was looking scarier than ever.

“We must find Mr. Peepers! I wish to return home! Don’t you as well?”

Humphrey just scratched his head and looked at the ground a moment. “I’s don’t really care. I’s just hungry!” Birdy Nok Nok then pecked Humphrey on the shoulder, trying to keep Humphrey focused.

“Ow, stop buvvy! That hurts! Yes, I wants to go home too! I’s just really hungry!”

They continued walking, and somehow, they finally reached the end of the forest! A huge clearing lay stretched out before them, and in that open space sat…a train depot! Also stretched out in front of them, laying on the railroad track, was none other than conductor, Choo Choo Andrews! He had found what he had been looking for, but it seemed to be too late as he lay there motionless…

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson  

Monday, April 4, 2011

Pitt Report--Restaurant Date

Lenny is uncertain about the restaurant date!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 2 of 5: “Restaurant Date”
Rachel and Lenny sat at a table in an upscale restaurant. Their first official date had begun! Lenny had reluctantly agreed to Rachel’s desire for them to go on a series of dates that would not end in sex. Rachel had to know that Lenny really loved her if they were going to be married and become a family. Their previous encounters had all been sexual and although Rachel admitted that she loved it, she needed more from her leprechaun lover. Questions had filled her mind about his true intentions, and she had to know if he was really ready to accept responsibility for the child he had given her!

“Lenny, do you know what you want to eat?” Rachel looked over at the leprechaun, who was dressed up in a little green suit with matching tie. He did not look happy as he glared down at the menu he tightly held in his small hands.

“What is this stuff on the menu, Rachel? I do nae understand a word of it, lass!”

Rachel smiled. “Oh, Lenny…that’s because it’s in French! This is a French restaurant after all! Haven’t you ever been to a place like this in all your travels?”

Lenny rolled his eyes. “No lass. This type of…establishment just isn’t me style! I prefer a more raucous kinda place for me entertainment!”

“Oh, THAT kinda place, hmm? A bar, Lenny?” “Oh course, lass! What else did ye expect?”

Rachel sighed. “God, Lenny! We’re so different. I hope we can make this work.”

“Don’t worry, Rachel! It’ll all work out, lass! I told ye I luve ye, and I am prepared to marry ye, no matter what I have to endure!”

“Endure, Lenny? Does that mean you’re just going along with my wishes to get into my pants again?”

Lenny put down his menu and reached over to put his hands on Rachel’s. He looked into her eyes. “Listen to me, Rachel! I luve ye, and that is why I am honorin‘ your wishes. However, I will nae lie and say I do nae want to make luve to ye again! The thing is, I am willin’ to show me commitment to ye and when the time is right, we’ll be married and we can make luve the proper way…as husband and wife!”

A smile slowly broke the sadness on Rachel’s face. She then leaned over and kissed Lenny on the cheek. Rachel was still not sure of what would happen in this situation, but she was willing to put her doubts aside until this date was over. Then she told Lenny he would be paying for the entire meal, which made more disappointment appear on Lenny’s face!  

The Pitt Report updates Mondays.
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson