Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Shit Pitt--Pre-Consummation Jitters

Are Spurrier and Snigger Really Going to Get it On?!?

Shit Pitt--Honeymoon Haul pt. 3 of 5: “Pre-Consummation Jitters”
Connor Squaw and Markus Laddermore tackled the Rosewood Cowboy. They were in some nearby bushes with some cheerleaders when they had heard the shot the Cowboy had taken at Spurrier. Confused, drunk, and naked, it had taken the two football players a few minutes to regain their composure. Now, however, they were in top form, as they took the Rosewood Cowboy to the ground!

“I got ‘em!” Laddermore shouted.

“No, I got ‘em!” Squaw protested. The two men began to squabble as they sat on top of the fallen Cowboy. It was clear they were still drunk.

“I’m the best! Coach even said so!” Connor Squaw squawked as he put his hands on his hips.

“If you’re so great, why you wearing that?” Laddermore pointed down at where Squaw’s pants should have been. Squaw was wearing a cheerleader dress like the girl he’d been with!

Laddermore laughed! “Youse done been pus--”

POW! Laddermore was knocked into some bushes. The Rosewood Cowboy had punched him! Squaw got up off the rising Cowboy and stood up there in his cheerleader skirt! He clenched his fists.

“You might whip Laddermore, but I’m different!”

“That so?” The Cowboy scoffed as he lifted himself off the ground, and in the same motion, puched Squaw sqaure between the eyes! The Cowboy picked up his hat, which had fallen off his head during the tackle. He placed it back on his head.

“Ah ain’t got no beef with ya’ll boys. It’s your Coach ah’m after!” He turned to walk off but was tackled from behind by Laddermore, who was back up again! The Cowboy struggled to get free, but Laddermore held tightly. Squaw rejoined the conflict a few moments later, and started punching the Cowboy in the stomach as Laddermore held him!


Snigger sat on the floor of the hotel room Spurrier had gotten them. The horse sat there, placed in front of a table. The table held a plate for Snigger, filled with oats and grain. Spurrier sat across the table, eyeing his lovely “bride.”

“Snigger, what’s wrong, sugar? Ya ain’t hungry? Ya got them post-wedding, pre-consummation jitters ain‘tcha? Know ya is nervous, but ya gotta eat something!”

Spurrier rubbed his stomach and licked his lips. “Ya gotta keep up yore strength like me! Gotta keep that strength…for they night ah’m about to show ya!” Spurrier got up from the table and went towards the bathroom.

“Don’t worry, honey, ya got plenty of time! Ah’m gonna go take a shower, and when ah come out…it’s gon’ be on! ah told ‘em all you and ah was gon’ be together forever, and tonight, ah’m gonna prove it when ah take ya…take that beautiful body of yours and treat it they way it should be treated! Make ya feel so damn good and make ya all mine!”

Spurrier then stripped down in front of the horse, showing Snigger his bare ass before running into the bathroom!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Monday, November 21, 2011

New Ink Pitt--Repent for Temple Worthiness

Rufus without Chocolate!

New Ink Pitt--Lenny the Mormon pt. 4 of 5: “Repent for Temple Worthiness”
Rufus the Retard lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His eyes were wide open in astonishment. He had gone twelve hours without chocolate and now it appeared he was going through withdrawls! Whenever he felt an urge for chocolate, he grabbed his Book of Mormon, placed it on his head, and pressed down with both hands while whining!

“NO, NO, NO! I na eat no more chocowate bars because I good Mormon m-man! I-I not eat anything w-with caffeine in it no more! It bad, bad, bad!”

Now that Rufus was 19 years old, he was eligible to begin his journey into the Mormon priesthood. Doing this sucessfully, however, required Rufus to repent of all his “wicked” ways, which for Mormons, includes the intake of caffeine. The door to Rufus’ bedroom opened, and Lenny the Leprechaun walked in. Lenny was to accompany Rufus during his priesthood in order to “look out for him.” If he did not, Rachel, Rufus’ mom, had vowed to cut the leprechaun out of her life forever! Lenny could not bear this, as he loved Rachel more than life itself, and he was the father or her unborn child!

Lenny smiled at Rufus as he walked up to his bedside. He wore a mini-backpack over his small leprechaun shoulders. “Ey there, Rufus! What are ye doing, Lad?”

Rufus peeped out from under his Book of Mormon. “Go ’way Lenny! I twy wepent!”

“What do ye mean, Lad? We-pwent?”

“I twy wepent from m-mah sins so I-I be t-temple worthee!”

Lenny walked over to a chair in the corner and climbed up to sit down. He then reached into his back pack. “That be good, Lad. Then ye will nae mind if’n I sit here and have a chocolate bar!” Lenny pulled out a giant chocolate bar and started eating it! Rufus’ eyes grew big, and he sat up in his bed.

“CHOCOWATE! I wan some!”

“No, Rufus! Ye be wepenting so ye cannae have any, remember?”

Rufus gritted his teeth in frustration and lay back on his bed. He smacked the Book of Mormon into his forehead several times before whining again. Lenny smiled.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

New Ink PItt--Haunted House of Doom Finale

Originally posted on my first blog, on November 1, 2010

New Ink Pitt--Haunted House of Doom pt. 4 of 4: “Haunted House of Doom Finale
The Haunted House of Doom had been a success for Trodemus, Prophet of Doom, and had made him more money in one weekend than his fortune-telling business had made in two weeks! Doom, along with his love, Belinda, greedily took in the funds at the door. Trodemus wondered how in the world the “vision” of his business failing could ever be true at this point. There was no way he could go under, because he was riding high on the wave of success! Doom felt that he had averted disaster by taking extreme measures to ensure his business--and now the haunted house--made more profits than ever! As the old adage goes, Trodemus was practically “lauging his way to the bank!”
There would be time for money management later however, as it was Halloween night, and Doom still had guests to attend to! Trodemus came out to greet them. This would be the last group to go through the Haunted House of Doom, and Trodemus was prepared to make this walk-through the scariest of them all! “Greetings, I am Trodemus, Prophet of Doom! I have seen the future, and I know what is to come!” Trodemus spoke in his usually dark gravely voice. “And what is to come you may ask? Why--the most frightening voyage you have ever been on, as you enter--the HAUNTED HOUSE OF DOOM!” Suddenly, a wind picked up, and nearly blew Trodemus’ cloak right off his head! Doom was a bit taken back. This certainly wasn’t part of the show, but he was liking the fright he saw on his guests’ faces, so he went with it. Perhaps Rufus and Wilbur had gotten hold of one of the fans and were trying to scare the Prophet of Doom as a prank. Trodemus would not let such things shake him though, and he was the consummate professional in his perfomances.
Once inside, things went on without any troubles. Wilbur chased the guests through the house as the “redneck zombie,” and She-Peepers scared everyone half to death! Belinda got in on the act, and, dressed as a witch, she brought her own brand of horror to the show by grabbing Trodemus and pressing her fat lips on his! While Trodemus usually followed the script, he had allowed room for improvisation. In Belinda’s case, she needed a whole lot more room than most, and Trodemus was more than happy to allow her such freedom! Besides, her passionate kiss served to spice things up and get everyone off balance so that they were totally shocked when the Potbellied Ninja jumped out with a ski mask on, carrying a katana blade! The Ninja got the guests running to the next scene, where Rufus was waiting with his toys, in a padded room! Rufus just kept talking about his mommy and how he liked playing with his toys! Trodemus had given Rufus lots of room for improvisation as well, but had made sure to make the room as scary as possible, with doll heads all over the place, and the words “help me” written all over the walls! When Rufus started talking about chocolate though, Doom made sure to push his guests on through. After leaving the Haunted House, the guests would then go through a haunted maze, where Doom had about a dozen costumed people hiding in its dark corners to get plenty of “jump scares” before the end of the walk. Trodemus sent them down the maze, bidding them farewell. As soon as they all left, Trodemus turned to walk back through the haunted house. Upon turning, Doom saw a sight most horrifying! Floating before him, glowing intensely, was what appeared to be a ghost!

It was a white sheet-type ghost with eyeholes. The actual look of it was not horrifying, but what was so scary was the fact that Doom did not have anyone playing a ghost in his haunted house! Doom questioned it, but it did not answer. He then grabbed the sheet and pulled it away! However, when he grabbed the sheet, there was no one beneath it! Trodemus grew pale. What was going on? Was someone trying to play a prank on him? Some of his questions would be answered as a horrible voice spoke to him. “Trodemus.” Doom looked up to see DEATH! Doom had witnessed Death before, and had last seen him back during the Long Dark Halloween a couple of years ago! “Death…what are you doing here?” Doom spoke, a bit frightened by the appearance of Death. “Have you come for the Prophet of Doom’s soul so soon?” Death spoke again. “No, Doom, I have come to warn you--not of your death--but the death of your business! It shall fall, and there is nothing you can do about it!” Trodemus walked towards Death. “That’s impossible! The Prophet of Doom is more successful than ever! You lie, Death!” Death just laughed, and then he vanished. Doom felt a cold numbness sweep over him, as if he himself had died. Deep inside, Trodemus knew that what Death said was true, but his pride refused to let him accept it. He had made a fortune! There was no way his business would fail! Was there?

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Shit Pitt--Squaw and Laddermore

How will the Cowboy deal with Smellypants?

Shit Pitt--Honeymoon Haul pt. 2 of 5: “Squaw and Laddermore”
Coach Spurrier had regained his senses…almost. The Gamey Garnet Cockwine he’d been drinking had placed him in a servere state of drunkeness! Marrying Snigger the horse had made for the greatest day of his life, and the intensity of his celebration after reflected that!

When the Rosewood Cowboy crashed Spurrier’s wedding reception though, Spurrier quickly began to sober up! Getting shot at and then trying to hang onto the back of the fleeing Snigger had nearly shaken him back to soberness! The ride on Snigger’s back had been long and hard, but Spurrier suddenly became aware that it was over.

“Snigger, what is it, Love? Where we at?”

Spurrier slowly slid off the back of the love of his life, but held to him for support. Spurrier wobbled around and tried to see where they were. He looked in front of them with blurry vision and saw a light in the distance. He strained his eyes to see where it was coming from. He began to make out the silhouette of a building, and a parking lot in front of it. Spurrier shook his head in unbelief.

“Aww Snigger! Ya romantic cuss you! Ya done brought us to a hotel!
Now we can consummate our marriage!


The Rosewood Cowboy walked back over to Christopher Smellypants. The ex-football player and lover of pigs had taken a bullet to the butt, courtesy of the Cowboy! The Cowboy squatted down beside the fallen football star.

“Son, ya make me sick! Piggy Passes my ass! I think you was making passes at that pig, and it disgusts me! I really wanna teach ya some manners!”

The Cowboy pointed the gun at Smellypants again, but then moved it away.

“Yep, teach ya some manners! I ain’t gonna use no more lead though! Got other ways of rehabilitatin’ people! All ya gotta do is get down on all fours…and bark like a dog!”

Smellypants refused, but quickly did as the Cowboy demanded when the gun was pointed at him again. The Cowboy laughed. Suddenly, current football players, Markus Laddermore and Connor Squaw appeared from some nearby bushes. Laddermore yelled out.

“’Ey what the hell is goin’ on here?!?”

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Peepers' Pitt--Punker's Payment

Punker has to pay up!

Peepers' Pitt--New Crew Askew pt. 4 of 20: “Punker's Payment”
Rock star Van Punker awoke to a thumping noise. He opened his eyes to see Jervas Clinkscales, Lucy’s pimp, standing over him. The thumping sound was coming from Clinkscales’ cane, which he tapped against the wooden floor.

“Myy name is Jerrrvas Clinkscales, and I hear you had sex with Lucy, my number one ho!”

Punker, who had taken the drugs and drank the alcohol left him by Mr. Peepers back in the park, was a bit out of it. His thoughts began to clear, and he vaguely remembered having sex with someone. Lucy walked in a moment later, and suddenly it all came back to the rock star.

“H-hey man, I don’t want no trouble. I was just performing and I woke up here.” Punker lied.

Jervas leaned forward and smiled. “Hehe. Thas ok myy man. Looks like you had a bad trip. I knows every man hass needs, but that don change the fack that…you slept with myy number one ho, and you ain’t paid yet!”

Punker felt around for his pockets, but he had none as he was naked. He looked over at his red performance spandex.

“Don botha…we check them as soon as I finds out you was in here. You ain’t got nothing in them. So I wants ta know…how is you gon pay up? Lucy, she is the best I gots, and she don come cheap!”
Van Punker looked around again before jumping up out of bed and shoving Jervas out of the way!

“DAMMIT! YOU AIN’T GETTING AWAY WITHOUT PAYING, MAN!” Clinkscales ran after Van Punker…

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Shit Pitt--Piggy Pass

The End Result of too much Gamey Cockwine!

Shit Pitt--Honeymoon Haul pt. 1 of 5: “Piggy Pass”
Spurrier rolled around on Snigger’s back, struggling to turn over onto his stomach. His drunkeness, due to Gamey Garnet Cockwine, was making it difficult! Spurrier finally managed to right himself, and was now straddling Snigger backwards! He looked up just in time to see the Rosewood Cowboy firing another bullet from his pistol! Spurrier quickly spanked Snigger’s butt, and the Ebony Equine neighed like thunder and reared up on his hind legs, nearly throwing Spurrier onto the ground! A moment later and Snigger and Spurrier were speeding through the trees of the woods!

The Rosewood Cowboy cursed. He had come to get Snigger back from Spurrier, and was determined that nothing would stop him! He began walking forward when a pig ran out of the bushes in front of him!


The Cowboy looked towards the bushes to see who was making that ridiculous pig call. Former college football player, Christopher Smellypants, appeared from the bushes, wearing only his boxers and socks!

“Sir, have ya seen mah piggy?”

The Cowboy glared angrily at Smellypants. “Son, what the hell is your problem?”

Smellypants looked a little confused. “Nothing sir, just trying ta have a good time with mah piggy!”

“Are ya telling me that you were in there havin’ relations with that pig?”

Smellypants acted a little embarrassed. “Um, no sir…I was…um…I was just teaching the pig how ta m-make passes…y’know…in football…piggy passes!”

The Cowboy walked up to Smellypants. He was tall and imposing and it intimidated the ex-football player.

“Passes…in football, huh?”

“Um…yes sir!” Smellypants nearly choked on the words when he saw the angry look on the Cowboy’s face.

“A..Piggy Pass?”

“Y-yes sir! We do them all the time on the f-” The Cowboy grabbed Smellypants by the arm and pointed his pistol at him!

“Son, if ah wasn’t so concerned with gittin’ mah horse back from that damn coach of yours, ah’d tan yore hide!”

The cowboy gritted his teeth and squinted his eyes. “Y’see, ah don’t take kindly ta people mistreatin’ animals, and if ah ever catch you putting yore finger…or any other body part…onto that pig or any other animal again…ah’ll PUMP YA FULL OF LEAD! UNDERSTAND?” Smellypants shook his head nervously. The Cowboy then pushed him down onto the ground and turned to pursue Spurrier.

BRAPPP!!! The Cowboy felt something hit him in the back as he heard the sound. He turned to see Smellypants with his butt up in the air!

“Boy, did ya just bump your butt up against me and…”
Smellypants laughed. “I sure did--farted on you--whatcha gonna do about it? Stupid cowboy!”

Smellypants ran off, but could not escape the Cowboy. A gunshot rang out and Smellypants fell to the ground. He screamed and grabbed his butt. The Cowboy had put a bullet in his backside! He tipped his hat to the immature Smellypants and walked off.

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.