Monday, May 30, 2011

Pitt Report--An Irish Tale

Lenny tells Rachel an Irish Tale!

New Ink Pitt--Lenny’s Lifestyle pt. 2 of 5: “An Irish Tale”
Rachel leaned over the bar, resting her chin on one hand, looking over at a tall glass of green beer Lenny had poured for her to drink. Lenny had been trying to loosen up Rachel so she’d have a good time at the Irish pub he had taken her to. Rachel had refused to drink the beer though, and now a drunken Lenny the leprechaun had resorted to a new approach--an Irish Tale to “tickle Rachel out of her timidness!”

Lenny grabbed a barstool and set it up behind where Rachel sat at the bar. The drunken leprechaun then attempted to climb up the barstool! After a few failed attempts, Lenny finally made it to the top, and stood on the seat! His 3’ frame was now visible to everyone in the pub.

“Now, Rachel. I know that ye are not havin’ a guud time! While *urp* drinkin’ is the best way to have a guud time in me Irish pub, there are ot’er ways to be havin’ fuun as well!” Lenny reached over to a barstool that was next to the one he stood on. He had made sure to set his glass of green beer there beforehand so that it would be within reach! He took a big gulp of beer and continued. “As I was sayin’ there are lots’a ot’er ways to have fuun in the Irish pub, and one of ‘em is telling IRISH TALES!”

Lenny then went on to tell an Irish Tale that wasn’t really an Irish Tale at all. He told of two American entrepreneurs of Irish descent with the last name McDonald and how they founded a famous American fast food restaurant. Lenny told of how they were Irish-American and how they were discriminated against when an American businessman bought the business from them and made a fortune off of it. Lenny got really pissed off about it and threw his beer glass down in the floor! He then said what he’d do to that American businessman who stole from his people, which included him taking a flying leap, jumping on the man’s shoulders, pulling out his big green weiner, sticking it in the man’s ear, and HUMPIN’ HIS BRAINS OUT! Of course that didn’t go over too well with Rachel as she got upset and started arguing with Lenny again. Lenny tried a few other Irish tales, but being that they all dealt with drunkeness, naked women, or Lenny getting angry, they could not win over Rachel or loosen her up. Irish tales were not working so Lenny decided that maybe action would help as he considered…dancing!

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pitt Report--Betram's Miracle

Before and After!

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 3 of 3: “Betram‘s Miracle”
Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his recent video blog(, he said that he held a revival in the Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!

The Reverend Reynolds was overjoyed. All his work to reform the Shitlings was starting to pay off. Carnastas the Cannibalistic Clown had renounced his flesh-eating ways and become a vegetarian. Ronny Slickbottom turned from his evilness and was healed of his hemorrhoids! The pair then pledged service to the Reverend Reynolds and his new church! Now, the Good Reverend approached his podium, prepared to deliver a sermon that he was confident would bring yet another Shitling to the light! Carnastas and Slickbottom stood on either side of him. The “congregation” consisted of Bennie Hate, Doctor Dyson, and Gwala the zombie!

“Brothers…you have already met the Deacon Carnastas. Now, meet the second deacon of my new church…the healed and reformed Ronny Slickbottom! Testify to them, Deacon Slickbottom…before I bring the Good Word!”

Deacon Slickbottom stood very upright. There was no more slouch in his posture, as he was no longer irritated in his rear end! “Brothers…I’m healed! After 25 years of hemorrhoids…I’m healed! I’m also a changed man! All I had to do is believe, and I was forgiven! My sins are forgotten thanks to the Reverend Reynolds! I encourage you all to listen to him. You see the evidence of his words in myself and Carnastas! You too can be changed!”

Deacon Slickbottom then sat down on a nearby chair easily…proof that his hemorrhoids were still gone! The Reverend Reynolds then got up, but before he could begin his sermon, in rushed Betram Bunny, the bisexual bunny! Betram appeared to be frantic, as he ran right up to the podium in a flash!

“Ah hu hu…REVEREND REYNOLDS! Ah hu hu I heard what you’re doing! Oh…oh…I need your help, sir! PLEASE!!! Please can you fix mah face? Ah hu hu!!”

The Reverend Reynolds looked on the repugnant mass of floppy flesh that was now Betram’s face. “Son, I can heal you…if you only believe!” He then looked towards Doctor Dyson, who had been the one to alter Betram’s face and said, “I can heal you and set right the wickedeness that caused it!”

“Ah hu huh…ohh…oh…good! I’m ready, Reverend!!!”

Reverend Reynolds lifted one hand above Betram’s head. “Do ya believe, my son? Do ya believe in the healing power of the Reverend Reynolds and his new church?”

Betram lifted his hands and shouted, “OH YES, REVEREND I DO! LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME AND PUNISH ME LIKE THE NAUGHTY LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT I AM! Ah hu hu!” Everyone got quiet, and Betram looked around, realizing he had gotten a little TOO excited! He then said, “Lay your hands on me and heal mah face!”

The Reverend Reynolds laid his hands on Betram and in a few moments, his face had been totally healed and restored! Betram hopped around, praising the Reverend for his good work! He then kissed Reynolds on the cheek before bouncing off to show everyone his new face!!

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Monday, May 23, 2011

Pitt Report--At the Irish Pub

New Ink Pitt--Lenny’s Lifestyle pt. 1 of 5: “At the Irish Pub”
Rachel sat uncomfortably on a bar stool. She appeared to be out of place in the Irish Pub Lenny the Leprechuan had invited her to. When Rachel requested that Lenny go out with her on a series of dates not ending in sex, this was not one of the places she had invisioned them going. However, after the three dates she planned ended in disaster, Rachel was at a loss for ideas. So she agreed to go with Lenny, and see what his idea of a good time was like. She never expected to be sitting in the noisy pub next to a drunken leprechaun!

“’ey Rachel are ye havin’ a good time, Lass?”

Lenny leaned on the edge of the bar, looking at Rachel with glazed eyes. He was so close to her that she could smell his awful alcohol breath. Rachel winced and tried to ignore it. She didn’t want to hurt Lenny’s feelings by telling him how bad it was. Lenny had been drinking non-stop since they had arrived. After they were kicked out of Family Home Meeting, the leprechuan had begged Rachel to go with him to an Irish Pub, so he could show her a REAL good time! So far, the only person having fun was Lenny!

“Lenny, you’re drunk! We need to go!”
“What are ye talkin’ about, Rachel? We havenae had enough fuun yet, lass!”
“We’ve had plenty of excitement for one night…let’s go home!”

Lenny turned and grabbed a dish filled with peanuts. He eyed them suspciously for a moment before looking back up and grinning at Rachel.
“Let me ask me pot’o gold!”

Rachel looked shocked. Was Lenny really so drunk that he thought the peanuts were gold coins? Evidently he did, as he went on talking to them!

“What say ye, pot’o gold? Should me and the fine lass, Rachel go home?”

Lenny then held the dish of peanuts to his ear and shook them. In his drunkeness, most of them fell to the floor. Lenny looked at what was left.

“Me pot’o gold says, NO! We cannae leave until ye have had a good time along with meself…which means ye have to drink something!”

Lenny held out a glass of green beer and told Rachel to drink it since it would help her relax and have a good time. Rachel refused. After about ten minutes of them aruging, Lenny decided he would take another approach. Despite being drunk, he declared that he would tell an Irish tale that would “tickle Rachel out of her timidness!”

The Pitt Report updates Mondays & Tuesdays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson