Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Pitt Report--Betram's Miracle


Before and After!

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 3 of 3: “Betram‘s Miracle”
Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his recent video blog(http://pittreport.blogspot.com/2011/01/pitt-report-reverend-reynolds-video.html), he said that he held a revival in the Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!

The Reverend Reynolds was overjoyed. All his work to reform the Shitlings was starting to pay off. Carnastas the Cannibalistic Clown had renounced his flesh-eating ways and become a vegetarian. Ronny Slickbottom turned from his evilness and was healed of his hemorrhoids! The pair then pledged service to the Reverend Reynolds and his new church! Now, the Good Reverend approached his podium, prepared to deliver a sermon that he was confident would bring yet another Shitling to the light! Carnastas and Slickbottom stood on either side of him. The “congregation” consisted of Bennie Hate, Doctor Dyson, and Gwala the zombie!

“Brothers…you have already met the Deacon Carnastas. Now, meet the second deacon of my new church…the healed and reformed Ronny Slickbottom! Testify to them, Deacon Slickbottom…before I bring the Good Word!”

Deacon Slickbottom stood very upright. There was no more slouch in his posture, as he was no longer irritated in his rear end! “Brothers…I’m healed! After 25 years of hemorrhoids…I’m healed! I’m also a changed man! All I had to do is believe, and I was forgiven! My sins are forgotten thanks to the Reverend Reynolds! I encourage you all to listen to him. You see the evidence of his words in myself and Carnastas! You too can be changed!”

Deacon Slickbottom then sat down on a nearby chair easily…proof that his hemorrhoids were still gone! The Reverend Reynolds then got up, but before he could begin his sermon, in rushed Betram Bunny, the bisexual bunny! Betram appeared to be frantic, as he ran right up to the podium in a flash!

“Ah hu hu…REVEREND REYNOLDS! Ah hu hu I heard what you’re doing! Oh…oh…I need your help, sir! PLEASE!!! Please can you fix mah face? Ah hu hu!!”

The Reverend Reynolds looked on the repugnant mass of floppy flesh that was now Betram’s face. “Son, I can heal you…if you only believe!” He then looked towards Doctor Dyson, who had been the one to alter Betram’s face and said, “I can heal you and set right the wickedeness that caused it!”

“Ah hu huh…ohh…oh…good! I’m ready, Reverend!!!”

Reverend Reynolds lifted one hand above Betram’s head. “Do ya believe, my son? Do ya believe in the healing power of the Reverend Reynolds and his new church?”

Betram lifted his hands and shouted, “OH YES, REVEREND I DO! LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME AND PUNISH ME LIKE THE NAUGHTY LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT I AM! Ah hu hu!” Everyone got quiet, and Betram looked around, realizing he had gotten a little TOO excited! He then said, “Lay your hands on me and heal mah face!”

The Reverend Reynolds laid his hands on Betram and in a few moments, his face had been totally healed and restored! Betram hopped around, praising the Reverend for his good work! He then kissed Reynolds on the cheek before bouncing off to show everyone his new face!!

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

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