Shit Pitt--Walking Dead Sermon

Can Gwala be Saved?

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Suitable Sermons pt. 3 of 3: "Walking Dead Sermon"
Last time, the Reverend Reynolds had preached about the evils of doctors and the healthcare industry with the fiery sermon entitled, “Ask Your Doctor? Is he God?”
The suitable sermon had been custom-made for one of the most evil Shitlings--Doctor Dyson! The Devilish Doctor had worked for Shithead, altering good people with his medical meddlings! Now, it was time for the Good Reverend to preach one last suitable sermon in his series. He would preach his final sermon on…THE WALKING DEAD!

Of the three Shitlings sitting before Reynolds, perhaps the most horrifying was Gwala, the Jamaican Zombie! Supposedly, this skull-faced creature was a zombie true to type…a devourer of human flesh and blood who took a special liking to BRAINS! Yet, in all the conflict of the Shit War, it seemed that Gwala wasn’t really after human flesh at all. No, Carnastas the Cannibalistic Clown (who had now become a vegetarian) had lusted for flesh, but not Gwala! It seemed Gwala was only interested in eating potato chips, as he had brought a bag to every sermon thus far! Reverend Reynolds didn’t really notice this fact, and took Gwala for a stereotypical zombie!

“Brothers, there is one among us who is not alive….BUT he’s not quite dead either! My friends, I tell ya the truth, that among us is…THE WALKING DEAD!” The Reverend Reynolds paused in order to let that idea sink in. Doctor Dyson and Bennie Hate didn’t seem to be paying any attention at all. Gwala munched down on a large bag of potato chips. His skeletal face and long dreadlocks were testament to the fact that, at least in appearance, he was truly a JAMAICAN ZOMBIE!

Reynolds continued. “Yes, he is one of the WALKING DEAD, and is neither alive or dead! Now, that presents a problem. In order to be saved from your sins, there has to be life! You have to have a life that you can surrender to the light in order to be saved. During your life, you get saved before death! Yet, this individual has NO life, as he already walks with death! Did you hear me?!? He WALKS with DEATH! How can this be? How can a dead man WALK? How can a living man be DEAD? It just doesn’t make sense!”

Reynolds paused again, and looked sternly at Gwala, who had finished his entire bag of potato chips!

“Believe me, Brothers, the Good Reverend has questioned his faith and tried to find an answer to this dilemma! He has tried to save this individual who walks, yet who is dead! He’s tried to help this person who eats human flesh and brains! The Good Reverend got down on his knees and pondered the fate of this creature’s soul! That was when he got the answer! The Reverend Reynolds was shown the truth about the WALKING DEAD! This individual cannot be saved, because he is not alive in the sense that we know it, and because of this…HE HAS NO SOUL! Since he has no soul, then there is no hope for him! There is nothing the Good Reverend can do to help him!”

Gwala looked a bit sad. He then took out another bag of potato chips and started eating them. The Good Reverend walked down to Gwala, with tears in his eyes. He put his hand on the Jamaican Zombie’s shoulder and said,

“Gwala, I’m sorry. There are just some creatures that are beyond salavation.”

The reverend then sank to his knees as tears streamed down his face. Suddenly, a light appeared above the reverend and Gwala. Reynolds looked up in wonderment. When he looked down again, he saw that his hands were glowing! In the next second, he lost control of himself, and his left hand shot up, and once more rested on Gwala’s shoulder. Reynolds looked up once more, and no longer saw a skeletal Jamaican zombie. In it’s place was a young Jamaican man with dreadlocks!

“BROTHERS! LOOK! IT’S A MIRACLE! GWALA HAS BEEN HEALED AND RESTORED TO LIFE! REJOICE!”

COMING IN OCTOBER: THE RESOLUTION OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE OF DOOM STORYLINE!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Shit Pitt--Sermon on Hate

Will the Daddy of Dislike turn from hatred?


Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Suitable Sermons pt. 1 of 3: "Sermon on Hate”

Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy in his effort to tie up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming some of the Shitlings, which now includes Carnastas the Clown and Ronnie Slickbottom. Also, the Good Reverend was able to restore the disfigured face of Betram, the Bisexual Bunny!

The Reverend Reynolds was pleased. The results of his revival had been very faith-affirming, with the changes in Carnastas, Slickbottom, and Betram! The Good Reverend was ready to shout out in excitement as he approached the podium for yet another sermon to the Shitlings. His joy was countered when his eyes met with the faces of those who remained oppressed. Before him sat Bennie Hate, Doctor Dyson, and Gwala the Zombie! Such a sad-looking crowd would dampen the spirits of any average man! The Reverend Reynolds was no average man, however, as he held firmly to his faith in the Good Word! Those before him had been hard to reach, but now he was equipped with a way to cross that divide and share with these hardened Shitlings the truth! Reverend Reynolds planned to customize his new sermons to fit each individual. He would give “Suitable Sermons!” His first target was Bennie Hate!

The Reverend Reynolds got down from his podium, pulled up a chair, and sat right in front of the “Daddy of Dislike,” twin brother of Vinnie Love, and delivered a sermon on hate! The Good Reverend looked into the fiery eyes of the hate monger, and told the story of hate groups such as the KKK and the Nazi party. He talked of how powerful they were, and how their methods had allowed them to conquer many who stood in their way! Their hatred had fueled them to be successful in their lives. Reynolds then pulled the rug out from under Bennie Hate by asking what his hatred had gotten him. When Bennie didn’t answer, the Reverend responded to his own question by saying, “nothing.” Bennie’s hate had gotten him nothing. He was master of no one and no thing. Reynolds said Bennie’s hatred only existed because of his jealously of his more successful brother, Vinnie Love! Out of jealously, Bennie had become the polar opposite of his brother, in order to gain some since of fame! Reynolds said this motivation had made Bennie a bitter fool, and he would be better off giving love a chance! Bennie refused, got up and walked to the back of the room. Reynolds felt he had made an impression, and went back to his podium, finishing the sermon. No one was converted, but Reynolds knew it was only a matter of time! His suitable sermons would strike a personal chord with each Shitling, and in the end, they would surrender to the light!

All characters, stories, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.