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| Hayley Cypress--Testicle Teaser! |
Fortunately, Pizzazz knew what Humphrey was experiencing. Back in the Shit Pitt, Pizzazz had been homeless for six months! It took an infamous intervention by the Rosewood Cowboy, a trip to Waffle House and a special night in a hotel room to get Pizzazz out of his depression and back on his feet. Pizzazz decided that he would give Humphrey what the Cowboy had given him!
Pizzazz went over and kicked Humphrey! “Get up! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!”
Humphrey just rolled over on his stomach and crawled back further into the alley. He had reached the end as he touched a wall. There was no escape from Pizzazz. “Leave me alone man! I’s wanna go ta sleep!”
“No!” Pizzazz squatted down and looked Humphrey in the eye. “I won’t leave you alone until you’ve heard my story, and experienced what I have.” Pizzazz then got up, unzipped his pants, and began peeing in the corner! “I used to pee on my microphone because I didn’t care! I’d pee any damn where! It didn‘t matter!”
Humphrey looked a little frightened as this was a different Johnny Pizzazz he was seeing before him. This was the Johnny Pizzazz who had lived on the streets, and knew what it was like to embrace depression. Pizzazz zipped up his pants and squatted down again.
“Was on the street for six months. I lost my magic show and all my money! I laid in an alley like this one, and grew depressed. I accepted the lifestyle, as you do now, because it was easier. No responsibilities. No schedules. Just lying around between the frequent scrounging for food.”
“That’s not to say living on the street isn’t hard. It’s terrible not knowing where the next meal will come from or whether or not you’ll find a safe place to sleep for the night. I don’t know the circumstances that lead you to be homeless, but I do know that if you experience what I did on the way out of homelessness, you will be able to change!”
“My friend, the Rosewood Cowboy, kicked me around a few times, then held a gun to my head and made me repeat my catchphrase. He knew it would take more than that, so he took me to Waffle House for a great dinner! Before that however, he took me somewhere else. He got me a hotel room, and I got a shower. The Cowboy then sent me a special visitor. This visitor renewed my since of self-respect, and I knew that after one night with her, I’d never be depressed again!”
Humphrey’s eyes grew big at the revelation that Pizzazz had spent what sounded like a wild night with a woman. He was suddenly intrigued, and encouraged Pizzazz to continue the story.
“Her name was…Haley Cypress…and she would go on to become a great pop star. Before she was the two-million dollar Twerking Tart, she was the Two-Dollar Testicle Tease! When I met her though, she was just a college student trying to earn some extra cash. The Cowboy had paid for a full night of Haley’s services, which was $2 a minute, to bring me back to my senses! She came into my room, took off her clothes and bent over and started shaking her butt! I immediately told her to stop because her behind was too damn skinny! She got all sad and I told her not to cry because there were other body parts she could focus on. I pointed down.
She then quickly removed my pants, and took hold of my microphone! She worked the microphone well, but microphones aren’t really her thing either, though the music industry seems to think so! Haley would discover that night though, that her real gift is her ability with testicles! When she took mine in her hands, I knew instantly how talented she was, and that her teasing, massaging, and other workings of my testicles would restore my creative vigor and renew my passion as the Maestro of Magic! Haley would go on to become a Teaser of Testicles, and eventually she’d tease some mousy guy who was a big shot and she’d get a record deal. She changed me that night, but I changed her as well! Her interaction with the Catalyst of Character’s genitalia would lead her to fame, and inspire her to create that famous video about riding wrecking balls! I’m going to get you a hotel room, Humphrey! Then I’m going to find you a woman who can pleasure you like Haley did for me!”
Before Pizzazz could say any more, a loud screeching was heard overhead. Above the alley, and flying at an incredible speed, appeared Trodemus riding on the back of Birdy Nok Nok!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2014
THE PITT REPORT UPDATES EVERY WEDNESDAY
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All characters, stories, photos, drawings, and performances
are (C) 2014 Joshua Dyson & Crevice Creations
All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental
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