Shit Pitt--Innocent Man

Did Spurrier REALLY steal Snigger?


Shit Pitt--Bridle Vows pt. 3 of 5: “Innocent Man”

Coach Spurrier groaned painfully. A tremendous weight had come down upon him. The Alienated Alien, Optic Ink Eye, had leapt onto his back and driven him to the ground! The alien was very heavy, and Spurrier was just sure his back was broken. This had all happened because Optic Ink Eye and the rebellion had refused to let Spurrier marry the love of his life--the horse Snigger!

The rebellion intended to arrest Spurrier since he had “horsenapped” Snigger away from his owner and their friend, the Rosewood Cowboy. Now, Spurrier wriggled around. He realized he was still in one piece as Optic Ink Eye got off of him. Someone had just yelled “STOP” from the ranch house where the rebellion was living. Spurrier turned to see that it was the Reverend Reynolds!

Spurrier got upset and as Reynolds walked towards him. This was the guy who was truly the source of this whole situation! Reverend Reynolds was the only minister Spurrier could find to “hitch” himself and Snigger, so the Cocky Coach had to play by his rules. The first of those was that Reynolds would only marry them on the Rosewood Cowboy’s farm! The Good Reverend said that he could not leave since his work reforming the shitlings was at a critical stage! So Spurrier agreed and returned.

The Reverend Reynolds walked right up to Spurrier and put out his hand. “Welcome Spurrier!” Spurrier refused to shake his hand.

“What the hell is goin’ on here, Reynolds? Ya told me that ya’d marry me and Snigger with no trouble! I assumed that meant ya’d keep quiet about the weddin’!”

Reynolds sighed. “ Spurrier, I’m sorry, but the Good Reverend Reynolds cannot tell a lie! Johnny Pizzazz wanted to know what was going on and I told him the truth. They don’t like what you’ve done!”

“No shit!” Spurrier looked around at the Rebellion members still standing there, ready to take him in. “Ya’ll can sho as hell try, but ya ain’t takin’ me alive!”

Reynolds put a hand on Spurrier’s shoulder. “Spurrier, there is no need for that. For they cannot stop this wedding, and they cannot rightfully lock up…AN INNOCENT MAN!”

Pizzazz questioned this, and Reynolds explained that if Spurrier had truly “horsenapped” Snigger, then he would have caught him and taken the horse against his will! Since Spurrier was able to ride on his back, and the horse seemed to be assisting the Cocky Coach in their flight, there was no crime. Spurrier had merely met up with a friend and went on a long country ride! Reynolds laid it on thick, using his charisma to sway the rebellion towards his point of view. He did have a valid point. Snigger seemed to enjoy Spurrier riding on his back, and did not seem like he had been mistreated at any point during this experience. In the end, the rebellion had to back off, despite their objections. Spurrier got excited and gloated.

“I tol’ ya’ll…I’m gon’marry that horse, and their ain’t a damn thing ya’ll can do about it!”



Purchase a copy of the Hand Held Hotties mini comic and support this blog! This issue features Mr. Peepers, who comments on a group of hotties that are displayed in pin-up format. Get it now for only $1.00! Created, written, and drawn by Joshua Dyson

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

New Ink Pitt--Steps to the Priesthood

Is Rufus ready for the Priesthood?

New Ink Pitt--Lenny the Mormon pt. 1 of 5: “Steps to the Priesthood”

Brother Brad was dressed up in his white buttoned shirt, black tie and pants. He wore a fancy name tag with the words, “Elder Brad” engraved on it, along with “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” beneath that. Elder Brad had been speaking to those in the priesthood meeting for quite some time, boring Lenny the Leprechaun to death with his talk. So far, he had talked about how every Mormon Man, ages 19-25 had a duty to serve in the priesthood, and that they should be prepared for it.

Elder Brad said that the first step to becoming a Mormon priest was to be worthy of it. Candidates for the priesthood should repent of any sin they might have, and live a good Mormon lifestyle. Apparently, this meant an abandonment of all the things Lenny loved! When Elder Brad said that they must live the law of chasity, Lenny cringed. He knew the no sex thing was going to come up! Rachel said it wasn’t like the Catholic priesthood, but at the moment, Lenny just couldn’t see how. How was joining the Mormon priesthood going to help him marry Rachel if he had to be chaste? Lenny was starting to get upset, and wanted to walk out.

Lenny’s plan to leave was thwarted, however, as Rufus, Rachel’s retarded son, slapped Lenny on the shoulder.

“You memmbah what I-I say! I tell mommee if you bad, and she nevah t-talk to you again!”

Lenny leaned back in his seat. He knew that he had to go along with this, and somehow become a Mormon! It was the only way he and Rachel were ever going to be a family! Yet, if he had to practice chasity, how was being Rachel‘s husband possible? Elder Brad then explained that the missions work of a priest only lasted 24 months. After that, the “priests” could return home and marry the Mormon woman (or women) of their choice! Lenny liked that of course! He loved Rachel, but if his religion said he could have more than one wife, then who was he to argue? Lenny seemed to be under the impression that going out on a mission guaranteed the reward of many wives after!

Elder Brad then snapped back in line, stating more about the rigorous parts of being a Mormon priest! Before becoming a priest, candidates had to be “temple worthy.” Evidently, Mormons had yet ANOTHER meeting place where only the worthy men were allowed to enter. Candidates for priesthood had to be sin free so they could enter, and receive their temple endowment before going on a mission as a priest! Lenny sighed. He was beginning to think this Mormon priest thing was a whole lot of unecessary work!
Elder Brad laid out many more requirements for the priesthood, including the cost and the required trip to Missions Training Center in Utah. He spoke for around 30 minutes longer before finally ending the meeting with a question. He asked if anyone was ready to receive their temple endowment. Rufus jumped up and yelled out.

“I WEADY ELDAH BWAD!”



Purchase a copy of the Sammie Star mini comic and support this blog! Who is Sammie Star and why is he/she called the Androgynous Anomaly? Find out more about the character in this issue now for only $1.00! Created, Written, and Drawn by Joshua Dyson

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

New Ink Pitt--Haunted House of Doom Players

Originally posted on my first blog, on October 28, 2010

New Ink Pitt--Haunted House of Doom pt. 2 of 4: “Haunted House of Doom Players

Trodemus, Prophet of Doom, stood inside his psychic parlor before a trio of guests. In a line in front of him stood the players he had selected for his Haunted House of Doom! They included truck driver, Wilbur Hydrick, She-Peepers, and Rufus the retard! Nearby stood Trodemus’ bbw girlfriend, Belinda, and his loyal servants, the Potbellied Ninja and Dark Cat. Trodemus smiled at his players. He evidently felt that these three were the finest selection of individuals in all of the New Ink Pitt, perfectly suited for his Haunted House of Doom! The Prophet spoke. “So, Trodemus has gathered you all here because of your unique qualities….qualities that make you very valuable to his Haunted House of Doom! You, Wilbur Hydrick, with your truck-driving career, have most likely seen all kinds of freaks, haven’t you?” Wilbur Hydrick smirked. “Well ah shore have, Doom. Whut’s it to ya?” Trodemus rubbed his hands together greedily. “I want you to use that experience inside my Haunted House of Doom, Wilbur. Use it to become something horrifying!” Wilbur cleared his throat and then passed gas. “Well, ah’m shore ah can be plenty scary! Right now though, ah gots me some scary gas! Ya got a bathroom in this here joint? Ah need to let out more than just air!” Trodemus held his nose and pointed to the back where the bathroom was.


After a few moments of silence, during which the Potbellied Ninja opened a window to clear the stench from the air, Trodemus turned his attention to his second player, She-Peepers. This was the first-ever meeting of the Sanity-Slighted Seductress and the Prophet of Doom. Trodemus stared at her for a few moments, uncertain what she was about. She had sat down on the floor while Trodemus was talking to Wilbur, and was now busy admiring the knife she clutched like a priceless possession. In fact, She was so enamored with the knife, that she seemed to no longer recognize that there was anyone else in the room with her! “Pretty, pretty, pretty, you are my pretty slice…pretty slice..pretty slice…” She chanted the words over and over, addressing the knife as if it were a person! Trodemus spoke. “She-Peepers, your resume is perfect for this. You stalked Mr. Peepers when you first appeared, and made his life a living hell! You even kidnapped him, along with your husband, J-Diddy! Anyone who does that to Trodemus’ arch-enemy is a friend in the Prophet of Doom’s book! Seeing you here in person now though, is what makes me realize that your inclusion in this performance is a must! Welcome, She-Peepers!” She-Peepers looked up and said thank you, then went back to admiring her knife!

Next, Trodemus looked over at Rufus the Retard. “Rufus, a while back, you came into the Prophet of Doom’s psychic parlor, looking for help concerning your mommy and her boyfriend, Lenny the Leprechaun. I was unable to help you, and you did that thing you do. You ran around like the damn retard you are! Rufus looked upset. “Tha na funny!” Trodemus smiled. “It’s all right, Rufus. I am not making fun of you. The Prophet of Doom just wants to say that I appreciate what you do.” Rufus looked puzzled, like he always does. “Whaa?” Trodemus rolled his eyes beneath his cowl. “I appreciate you Rufus, and I want you to use your imagination to do what you do in the Prophet of Doom’s haunted house!” Rufus smiled and clapped his hands. “Uuuuhhh yayyy!! I wike pwetend!” Trodemus turned away and started lauging quietly. “Yes, Rufus, Trodemus knows! That is why he brought you here.” The toilet then flushed. Wilbur walked out of the bathroom and rejoined them. “All right, ya’ll what’d ah miss?” Trodemus turned to face them all once more. “Nothing, Mr. Hydrick. You are just in time to prepare for the first rehearsal! We shall also be discussing the roles you will be playing in the Haunted House of Doom!” Belinda then walked over to Trodemus, dressed in another one her tight outfits that showed off her cleavage! She kissed Trodemus passionately on the lips. Doom smiled bigger than ever! “Now we are ready to begin!”




Purchase a copy of the Sammie Star mini comic and support this blog! Who is Sammie Star and why is he/she called the Androgynous Anomaly? Find out more about the character in this issue now for only $1.00! Created, Written, and Drawn by Joshua Dyson

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Peepers' Pitt--Peepers' Deus Ex Machina

Peepers is all-powerful in his Pitt!

Peepers' Pitt--Peepers' New Crew pt. 20 of 20: “Peepers' Deus Ex Machina”

After discovering Charlie Decaye was simply a census worker from another world and not a monster, Humphrey the Hobo and Birdy Nok Nok sided with him to find Mr. Peepers, who had brought them all to his Peepers’ Pitt. The trio traveled on foot until they finally reached the end of the woods where the Preeminent Peeper had placed them.

They exited the woods and found a train depot, along with Choo Choo Andrews, sprawled over the railroad track! Choo Choo was not hurt, but had merely fallen asleep in hopelessness over the fact that the only train had departed, and there were no signs of any arrivals. Decaye and Choo Choo shared what they knew about Mr. Peepers, and agreed that they must find him so they could get home. Decaye, Andrews, Humphrey, and Birdy then set out on their journey, as they followed the railroad track to who knows where…

Now, after several hours of walking, the group arrived at what looked like a small town. Buildings sprang up on both sides of a street, but there were only about five in total. Strangely, the railroad track they had been following ran right through the center of the street! It appeared that the street was not designed to accommodate anything aside from a train, and the parts not covered with track were only wide enough for a bicyle or motorcyle to ride on. Decaye, Choo Choo, and Humphrey walked along the street, while the bird-man, Birdy Nok Nok, flapped his wings in the air above. Suddenly, a large man came lumbering down the street, with a big smile on his face! The man told them his name was Boris, and that he was smiling because of the great time he had had at the local whorehouse run by Jervas Clinkscales! Humphrey and Choo Choo recognized Boris as the Russian solider who had appeared with them when they first arrived in this Peepers’ Pitt. Decaye, who frightened Boris somewhat with his pumpkin-headed appearance asked if the solider knew where they could find Peepers. Boris then told them of how Peepers had appeared out of nowhere and shocked them all. When Clinkscales tried to punch him, Peepers shoved him back with an incredible, invisible force that slammed him against the wall! Outmatched, Clinkscales then offered Lucy, his “number one ho” to the Preeminent Peeper, but Peepers had refused! Boris said he then vanished without even doing anything to the “number one ho!” He couldn’t understand how Peepers could have resisted Lucy!

After hearing Boris’ story, Decaye decided that they should meet Jervas Clinkscales and see if he had more information about where to find Mr. Peepers. Before they could act however, a strange man wearing nothing but his underwear came running up the street towards them! As he came closer, the letters “EMT” were visible, emblazoned on his forehead. It was the EMT man, whom Peepers had taken from an insane asylum on another world. The EMT man stopped a few yards away from the group and and began bouncing up and down and making odd noises. The sky overhead began to darken, and crackling energy resembling lighting flashed all around. Then, the face of Mr. Peepers, in apparition form and around 100 square feet is size, appeared in the sky!

“PEEPERS SEE YOU…HE SEE YOU ALL AND KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING!” His voice was as loud as thunder and seemed to rumble the earth of Peepers’ Pitt. “PEEPERS’ WILL IS NOT YOUR OWN! YOU GO AGAINST WHAT PEEPERS HAVE PLANNED FOR YOU, SO NOW HE SHALL CORRECT YOUR WAYS! Peepers’ glasses glowed brighter than ever before as everything went white…




Purchase a copy of the Sammie Star mini comic and support this blog! Who is Sammie Star and why is he/she called the Androgynous Anomaly? Find out more about the character in this issue now for only $1.00! Created, Written, and Drawn by Joshua Dyson

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Shit Pitt--Rebellion's Response

Johnny Pizzazz says NO to the Wedding!


Shit Pitt--Bridle Vows pt. 2 of 5: “Rebellion's Response”

Coach Spurrier held Snigger’s bridle tightly in his hands as he got off the horse. Johnny Pizzazz approached them. Spurrier held his ground, and was ready to fight if necessary. No one was going to stop him from marrying Snigger the horse!

Pizzazz walked up to them, but stopped a few feet away. “Spurrier. We know what you’ve done, and what you are planning to do here today.” Pizzazz reached in his pocket and Spurrier got ready to defend himself against whatever he would pull out. The Cocky Coach relaxed when he saw it was nothing more than Pizzazz’s trademark microphone! Pizzazz held the mic up in the air and leaned his head back to speak into it.

“On behalf of the Rebellion, I just have to say…It’s time once again, for the Catalyst of Character, the Mage of the Age, the Maestro of Magic…JOHNNY PIZZAZZ!” He then proceeded to pace back and forth with the microphone as if he was full of electricity…or caffeine! Spurrier sighed.

“Do ya HAVE to do that EVERY time ya greet someone?!? This ain’t one of your magic shows, Pizzazz! Are ya gon’ try and stop me or what?”

Pizzazz stopped pacing and looked at Spurrier again. “As the Maestro of Magic was saying…Spurrier, we know what you’ve done, and what you’re planning to do! You are wrong on both counts, and as acting leader of the Rebellion in the Cowboy’s absence, I have the authority to right that wrong!” Optic Ink Eye started going on in his native tongue again, and ran up behind Pizzazz to lend him some support! “Coach Spurrier, you have commited two crimes! You have stolen the Cowboy’s horse, Snigger, and you have betrayed us by causing the Cowboy to get locked up!”

“Is that right? Well there ain’t nothing ya can do about it! Me and Snigger--we gonna be together--now and forever!” Spurrier let go of Snigger’s bridle and clenched his fists! “Me and him is gon’ be married!”

Pizzazz spoke again. “Spurrier, we have nothing against you marrying a horse! It might even be legal in this state…I don’t know. The problem is…if you marry Snigger, then that takes him away from the Cowboy without his permission! Snigger belongs to the Cowboy, and you have to give him back!

“He don’t belong ta nobody! Snigger is his own person! Free as the wind!”
“Spurrier, return Snigger to his stall and we can forget all this!”
“Shut up, Pizzazz! Ya can’t tell me what to do! I’m Coach Spurrier, and I’m a winner, unlike all of you! I’m gon’ marry this damn horse and their ain’t nothing you can do about it!”

Spurrier gasped when two strong arms grabbed him from behind! It was Betram Bunny and Vinnie Love! He hadn’t noticed them slip off earlier and come up behind him. Optic Ink Eye had been the distraction to cover their movements!

“Let go ‘a me ya damn losers!”
“Ahu hu hu, I’m sorry Mr. Spurrier! It pains me to do this, Sir!” Betram was full of tears. “I know how much ya love four-legged animals, but the Cowboy…the Cowboy helped me and Vinnie out a lot! If ya won’t give Snigger back, then ahu hu hu, we gotta take ya in!”
“Ya ain’t takin’ me nowhere damn it!”
Vinnie Love tried to calm the Cocky Coach. “Take it easy, daddy! It’s gonna be all right!”
“Why don’tcha shut up, ya damn hippie?”

Pizzazz walked back towards the house as Vinnie and Betram followed with Spurrier. “I didn’t want to do this, but we’re going to have to lock you up with the Shitlings until we sort all this out.”

“There ain’t nothin’ ta sort out! You can’t keep me from havin’ Snigger!” Suddenly, Spurrier got his arms free, and kicked Vinnie and Betram away! He ran to Snigger, trying to jump on his back for a fast getaway, but Optic Ink Eye was on him with hii alien speed! The OIE jumped on Spurrier’s back and sent the old guy right to the ground! Spurrier screamed and cursed, but it was no use. The Alienated Alien’s strength was too much for him, and Spurrier could not get up!

“STOP!” A voice rang out from the porch. It was the Reverend Reynolds!


Purchase a copy of the Sammie Star mini comic and support this blog! Who is Sammie Star and why is he/she called the Androgynous Anomaly? Find out more about the character in this issue now for only $1.00! Created, Written, and Drawn by Joshua Dyson

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

All characters appearing in this work
are fictitious. Any resemblance to real
persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

New Ink Pitt--Priesthood Meeting

Lenny must
become...A PRIEST?!?

Makings of a Mormon pt. 5 of 5: “Priesthood Meeting”

Lenny held tightly to Rachel’s hand as they walked through the double doors leading to the sanctuary of the Mormon church. The leprechaun took comfort in the thought that whatever indoctrination he was about to endure, at least his lady love would be there with him! Rufus held Rachel’s other hand, and was walking slightly behind his “mommee,” as if he was frightened. Rachel was used to her son’s behavior, and dragged him along. Rufus whispered, “Mommee I scawed!” Rachel reassured her son as they walked towards a pew, telling him it was all right. Rufus had been coming to church with his Mommee for quite some time, but he still acted like it was his first time. Lenny expected people to stare at them, but oddly enough, no one even looked in their direction as they made their way to the middle of the sanctuary and sat down.

The main service of the Mormon church then got underway, and it began with random people getting up during a short “meeting” and giving “testimonies.” Lenny was baffled. Where was the priest with the fancy robe? There was little order to the “meeting,” as it seemed anyone could just get up and talk about whatever they liked. Lenny got bored, and looked at the back of the pew in front of him. There was a little shelf built in that included a song book, and THE BOOK OF MORMON. Lenny reached forward and pulled out the Book of Mormon. Rachel glanced down momentarily and smiled. Lenny read the cover to himself. It read, “The Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ.” Lenny jokingly laughed to himself. “This is going to be good!” Before he could read anything though, everyone stood up and started singing. Lenny got a little “peesed off” since he was trying to read. He thought about standing up too, but his height would have made it impossible to see anything over the pew in front of him. So he just sat there and waited for the singing to stop.

Finally, the singing ceased, and Lenny was told that there would be yet another “meeting!” Lenny growled to himself. Just how many meetings did these Mormons have a day? Lenny thought they were business people rather than churchgoers. Lenny got upset when he realized he had to be separated from Rachel yet again, and that he had to sit with Rufus during something called the “priesthood.” Lenny really didn’t want to become a priest, since he still liked being in a relationship with a woman! Rachel assured him that it wasn’t like that as she left for her separate meeting.

So Lenny stayed, and sat there with Rufus, who was drooling all over himself and staring blankly at the front of the sanctuary. Lenny sat in this all-male meeting, and listened to Brother Brad, who talked about becoming a Mormon priest and spreading their version of God’s word. Lenny didn’t believe any of it, but endured because of Rachel. He vowed yet again that he would be with her, no matter what!

All characters, stories, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictious.
Any similarity between persons living or dead, are purely coincidental.

New Ink Pitt--Haunted House of Doom Concept

Trodemus is Full of Greed!

After getting a vision of financial ruin, Trodemus, the Prophet of Doom, sprang into action to protect his fortune-telling business! He started an advertising campaign, which featured photos of his BBW girlfriend/secretary, Belinda, in scantily-clad outfits! Trodemus' business increased along with his ego, and the "profit of Doom" seemed to have no end in sight! However, on a dinner date with Belinda, Trodemus witnessed something quite strange! A wine glass flew across the room of its own accord and smashed against the wall. At first, Trodemus took it as a bad omen, but then he realized it had sparked within him a new idea to make even MORE money! Trodemus would open his very own haunted house! Thus, the Haunted House of Doom concept was born!

Originally posted on my first blog, on October 26, 2010

New Ink Pitt--Haunted House of Doom pt. 1 of 4: “Haunted House of Doom Concept
Several months had passed since the floating wine glass incident in the fancy restaurant with Belinda and Trodemus, Prophet of Doom. At this point, Trodemus and his charitable chubby had mostly put the incident out of their minds. When no similar events occurred after, Doom had given up on finding out what caused it. Was it some supernatural force or a parlor trick? Trodemus did not care because his fortune-telling business continued to grow. He had even almost put the vision of his business failing out his mind too! Everything was going so well, and he could not see how things could change. Yes, the strange incident would have been totally forgotten, if not for Halloween!

Trodemus, using Belinda’s sex appeal, and his own silver-tongued statements, was making a fortune at his psychic parlor, and was now, at times, making more than Chief Blacktoes’ bingo hall next door! Yet, Doom was still not satisfied, and sought new ways to make even more money! He then thought back to the wine glass incident, and got what he thought was a million-dollar idea! Trodemus, Prophet of Doom, would open a haunted house this Halloween and charge admission to get in! Doom rubbed his hands together greedily, and smiled. He had seen the future, and knew how scary rich he would become! All he had to do was find some players for his Haunted House of Doom!
Check back here next Saturday for Part 2!

All characters, stories, photos, and performances
are (C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

The characters and events portrayed in this work are fictious.
Any similarity between persons living or dead, is purely coincidental.