Pitt Report--An Irish Tale

Lenny tells Rachel an Irish Tale!

New Ink Pitt--Lenny’s Lifestyle pt. 2 of 5: “An Irish Tale”
Rachel leaned over the bar, resting her chin on one hand, looking over at a tall glass of green beer Lenny had poured for her to drink. Lenny had been trying to loosen up Rachel so she’d have a good time at the Irish pub he had taken her to. Rachel had refused to drink the beer though, and now a drunken Lenny the leprechaun had resorted to a new approach--an Irish Tale to “tickle Rachel out of her timidness!”

Lenny grabbed a barstool and set it up behind where Rachel sat at the bar. The drunken leprechaun then attempted to climb up the barstool! After a few failed attempts, Lenny finally made it to the top, and stood on the seat! His 3’ frame was now visible to everyone in the pub.

“Now, Rachel. I know that ye are not havin’ a guud time! While *urp* drinkin’ is the best way to have a guud time in me Irish pub, there are ot’er ways to be havin’ fuun as well!” Lenny reached over to a barstool that was next to the one he stood on. He had made sure to set his glass of green beer there beforehand so that it would be within reach! He took a big gulp of beer and continued. “As I was sayin’ there are lots’a ot’er ways to have fuun in the Irish pub, and one of ‘em is telling IRISH TALES!”

Lenny then went on to tell an Irish Tale that wasn’t really an Irish Tale at all. He told of two American entrepreneurs of Irish descent with the last name McDonald and how they founded a famous American fast food restaurant. Lenny told of how they were Irish-American and how they were discriminated against when an American businessman bought the business from them and made a fortune off of it. Lenny got really pissed off about it and threw his beer glass down in the floor! He then said what he’d do to that American businessman who stole from his people, which included him taking a flying leap, jumping on the man’s shoulders, pulling out his big green weiner, sticking it in the man’s ear, and HUMPIN’ HIS BRAINS OUT! Of course that didn’t go over too well with Rachel as she got upset and started arguing with Lenny again. Lenny tried a few other Irish tales, but being that they all dealt with drunkeness, naked women, or Lenny getting angry, they could not win over Rachel or loosen her up. Irish tales were not working so Lenny decided that maybe action would help as he considered…dancing!

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Pitt Report--Betram's Miracle

Before and After!

Shit Pitt--Shitfall--Reynolds Revival pt. 3 of 3: “Betram‘s Miracle”
Recently, the Reverend Reynolds stopped the Rosewood Cowboy from tying up the “loose ends” of the Shitwar by shooting the jailed Shitlings! Since that time, the Reverend Reynolds has made progress in reforming at least some of the Shitlings. In his recent video blog(http://pittreport.blogspot.com/2011/01/pitt-report-reverend-reynolds-video.html), he said that he held a revival in the Shitlings’ prison, and Ronnie Slickbottom, Carnastas the Clown, and Betram Bunny (who just wanted a new face) were converted and healed! Now, we look back to the beginning of the revival to see how these conversions took place!

The Reverend Reynolds was overjoyed. All his work to reform the Shitlings was starting to pay off. Carnastas the Cannibalistic Clown had renounced his flesh-eating ways and become a vegetarian. Ronny Slickbottom turned from his evilness and was healed of his hemorrhoids! The pair then pledged service to the Reverend Reynolds and his new church! Now, the Good Reverend approached his podium, prepared to deliver a sermon that he was confident would bring yet another Shitling to the light! Carnastas and Slickbottom stood on either side of him. The “congregation” consisted of Bennie Hate, Doctor Dyson, and Gwala the zombie!

“Brothers…you have already met the Deacon Carnastas. Now, meet the second deacon of my new church…the healed and reformed Ronny Slickbottom! Testify to them, Deacon Slickbottom…before I bring the Good Word!”

Deacon Slickbottom stood very upright. There was no more slouch in his posture, as he was no longer irritated in his rear end! “Brothers…I’m healed! After 25 years of hemorrhoids…I’m healed! I’m also a changed man! All I had to do is believe, and I was forgiven! My sins are forgotten thanks to the Reverend Reynolds! I encourage you all to listen to him. You see the evidence of his words in myself and Carnastas! You too can be changed!”

Deacon Slickbottom then sat down on a nearby chair easily…proof that his hemorrhoids were still gone! The Reverend Reynolds then got up, but before he could begin his sermon, in rushed Betram Bunny, the bisexual bunny! Betram appeared to be frantic, as he ran right up to the podium in a flash!

“Ah hu hu…REVEREND REYNOLDS! Ah hu hu I heard what you’re doing! Oh…oh…I need your help, sir! PLEASE!!! Please can you fix mah face? Ah hu hu!!”

The Reverend Reynolds looked on the repugnant mass of floppy flesh that was now Betram’s face. “Son, I can heal you…if you only believe!” He then looked towards Doctor Dyson, who had been the one to alter Betram’s face and said, “I can heal you and set right the wickedeness that caused it!”

“Ah hu huh…ohh…oh…good! I’m ready, Reverend!!!”

Reverend Reynolds lifted one hand above Betram’s head. “Do ya believe, my son? Do ya believe in the healing power of the Reverend Reynolds and his new church?”

Betram lifted his hands and shouted, “OH YES, REVEREND I DO! LAY YOUR HANDS ON ME AND PUNISH ME LIKE THE NAUGHTY LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT I AM! Ah hu hu!” Everyone got quiet, and Betram looked around, realizing he had gotten a little TOO excited! He then said, “Lay your hands on me and heal mah face!”

The Reverend Reynolds laid his hands on Betram and in a few moments, his face had been totally healed and restored! Betram hopped around, praising the Reverend for his good work! He then kissed Reynolds on the cheek before bouncing off to show everyone his new face!!

The Pitt Report updates Mondays and Tuesdays!
All characters, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Pitt Report--At the Irish Pub

New Ink Pitt--Lenny’s Lifestyle pt. 1 of 5: “At the Irish Pub”
Rachel sat uncomfortably on a bar stool. She appeared to be out of place in the Irish Pub Lenny the Leprechuan had invited her to. When Rachel requested that Lenny go out with her on a series of dates not ending in sex, this was not one of the places she had invisioned them going. However, after the three dates she planned ended in disaster, Rachel was at a loss for ideas. So she agreed to go with Lenny, and see what his idea of a good time was like. She never expected to be sitting in the noisy pub next to a drunken leprechaun!

“’ey Rachel are ye havin’ a good time, Lass?”

Lenny leaned on the edge of the bar, looking at Rachel with glazed eyes. He was so close to her that she could smell his awful alcohol breath. Rachel winced and tried to ignore it. She didn’t want to hurt Lenny’s feelings by telling him how bad it was. Lenny had been drinking non-stop since they had arrived. After they were kicked out of Family Home Meeting, the leprechuan had begged Rachel to go with him to an Irish Pub, so he could show her a REAL good time! So far, the only person having fun was Lenny!

“Lenny, you’re drunk! We need to go!”
“What are ye talkin’ about, Rachel? We havenae had enough fuun yet, lass!”
“We’ve had plenty of excitement for one night…let’s go home!”

Lenny turned and grabbed a dish filled with peanuts. He eyed them suspciously for a moment before looking back up and grinning at Rachel.

“Let me ask me pot’o gold!”

Rachel looked shocked. Was Lenny really so drunk that he thought the peanuts were gold coins? Evidently he did, as he went on talking to them!

“What say ye, pot’o gold? Should me and the fine lass, Rachel go home?”

Lenny then held the dish of peanuts to his ear and shook them. In his drunkeness, most of them fell to the floor. Lenny looked at what was left.

“Me pot’o gold says, NO! We cannae leave until ye have had a good time along with meself…which means ye have to drink something!”

Lenny held out a glass of green beer and told Rachel to drink it since it would help her relax and have a good time. Rachel refused. After about ten minutes of them aruging, Lenny decided he would take another approach. Despite being drunk, he declared that he would tell an Irish tale that would “tickle Rachel out of her timidness!”

The Pitt Report updates Mondays & Tuesdays

All characters, photos, stories, and performances are

(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson　

Pitt Report--Esteem Building Exercises

Lenny doesn't like Esteem-Building!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 5 of 5: “Esteem-Building Exercises”
Elder Brad led Rachel and Lenny into the living room of the house, where other people were gathered for the Mormon tradition of Family Home Meeting. Everyone was dressed up, and Lenny noticed one thing that stood out more than anything else. Out of the 12 or so people in the room, about 8 of them were all women! Now it was Rachel that should have felt jealous, as the lecherous leprechaun reverted to type and began eyeing the women in the room. There were all attractive, and Lenny wondered what could draw such women to a meeting like this. Elder Brad sat in a folding chair in the middle of the living room, and everyone sat around it on the couch and chairs.

Elder Brad welcomed them all to Family Home Meeting and told them that they had a guest. He then let Rachel introduce Lenny to everyone. Lenny reluctantly said “hello” and then crossed his little arms in dislike due to all the stares he was getting. Rachel saw what he was feeling and put her hand on on his, cancelling all his discomfort with her touch. Lenny loved it when Rachel touched him. He wanted to touch her back, but he wanted to do more than hold hands! The leprechaun’s lustful excitement was growing and he ran his hand up Rachel’s arm slowly. Rachel saw it coming though, and quickly put a stop to it as she swatted Lenny’s roving hand! A few people noticed something was up with the two of them, but they seemed to take little thought of it since they were so engrossed in all Elder Brad was saying.

After a prayer and a brief talk about the ways of Mormonism, Elder Brad said they would be doing esteem-building exercises. One person would sit in the middle of the circle where he now was, and everyone around them would give them compliments. Lenny’s eyes grew big in astonishment, and he almost fell off the couch in laughter! Was Elder Brad really serious? These people were really going to give each other compliments? Lenny wondered what kind of lame lifestyle they were living if they actually had to meet up and compliment each other on a weekly basis. Elder Brad said anyone could start. A dark-haired and rather buxom woman (who Lenny had been checking out since he entered the room) got up and said that she would go first. Elder Brad got up and the woman, whose name was Mary, sat down in the chair. Elder Brad directed those around her to take turns in complimenting Mary. The Mormons all gave three positive statements that defined Mary and built her esteem up. Rachel even participated, saying Mary was trustworthy, a good friend, and helpful. Elder Brad asked Lenny if he wanted to take part, and Lenny said he would. He certainly had no problem complimenting the buxom Mary! If only he had censored his words a bit! Lenny looked at Mary carefully and then said she was pretty, a fine lass, and had nice big ti--but before he could finish Rachel shouted, “Lenny!” Lenny then edited his speech and said Mary had a nice smile. Mary and the other Mormons seemed oblivious to what Lenny was going to say, and went on with their esteem-building. Everyone took a turn, including Rachel. Lenny expressed how wonderful he thought she was when it was his turn to talk. He declined to speak about any one else though, and snickered as the Mormons came up with all kinds of positive things to say about each other.

Finally, Elder Brad asked Lenny if he wanted to sit in the circle, and after Rachel begged him to, he did. Before anyone could say anything, Elder Brad sat down in Lenny’s spot on the couch beside Rachel, as he had done with everyone else since there were no more chairs. When Lenny saw this, his anger exploded! Lenny was fed up with this Elder Brad getting close to his woman! Lenny took a flying leap and jumped right onto Elder Brad and began punching him in the face with his little fists!

“Leave me woman be ye basterd!”

When they finally got Lenny off of Brother Brad, he was asked to leave, along with Rachel. What was supposed to have been the best date of all for Rachel and Lenny turned out to be a disaster, with Lenny leaving the worst possible impression on Rachel’s friends. She was crushed, and more uncertain than ever about considering him as her future husband.
　
The Pitt Report updates Mondays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson 　

Pitt Report--Family Home Meeting Date

Lenny feels a little out of place
at Family Home Meeting!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 4 of 5: “Family Home Meeting Date”
Rachel and Lenny stood on the porch of a modest home in a suburban neighborhood. After Lenny was unable to restrain himself on their last date in the movie theater, Rachel knew that this date had to be different. She had to get Lenny thinking about things to do on a date other than sex. What better way to do that than by introducing him to some of her closest friends, and the faith that kept her afloat? Rachel grew hopeful, feeling that after Lenny learned the ways of Mormonism, he would surely become a more virtuous and respectful individual!

Rachel knocked on the door and waited. The door opened, revealing and dark-haired guy with glasses. Rachel smiled and greeted him by grabbing both his hands. Lenny’s brow furrowed in jealously.

“Oh, it is so good to see you, Elder Brad! I have missed you!” Lenny’s face crumpled in a building jealous rage.

“It is also good to see you, Rachel. I have been away for some time, doing my part as a missionary, and I had forgotten how beautiful you are.” Rachel blushed, and looked a little uncomfortable.

Lenny’s body stiffened. He was prepared to take a flying leap and beat this guy senseless! No way was this Elder Brad going to flirt with his woman and get away with it! Lenny was unable to act, however, as he body turned to jello as the red-haired, fair-skinned Rachel flashed a smile down at the leprechaun. “Oh, this is my b-boyfriend…Lenny.”

Elder Brad looked down with a self-centered, judgemental glance. He didn’t seem to think too much of Lenny at first. “Oh, um…hello.” Then, his expression changed when a huge smile came on his face. “Welcome, Lenny…to Family Home Meeting!”

Lenny knew that Rachel was taking him to this thing Mormons call Family Home Meeting, but he really didn’t know what it was all about. He was about to find out though…

The Pitt Report updates Mondays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson

Pitt Report--Choo Choo's Condition

Choo Choo Andrews, Railroad Man

Peepers’ Pitt--Peepers New Crew pt. 15 of 20: “Choo Choo‘s Condition”
Humphrey the Hobo, Birdy Nok Nok, and Charlie Decaye had finally found the end of the forest they had been placed in by Mr. Peepers. Upon exiting, they saw a train depot, complete with fellow victim, Choo Choo Andrews, sprawled out on the railroad track!

The three rushed to investigate and determine Choo Choo’s condition. Actually, only Decaye and Birdy Nok Nok rushed to the conductor’s aid. Humphrey Hobo slowly walked in Choo Choo’s direction, as he was more interested in finding some discarded food on the ground. Decaye reached Choo Choo first and knelt down to help the old man.

“Sir, are you all right?” Decaye spoke in his gravely voice. Choo Choo groaned and his eyes fluttered open. His eyes popped open wide when he saw the frightening face of Charlie Decaye, the Pumpkin-Headed Horror!

“Wh- Who are you?” Choo Choo weezed.

“Do not be afraid sir, Charlie Decaye means you no harm! Decaye and his friends here were kidnapped by…Mr. Peepers. Do you know him?”

Choo Choo gathered himself and rose to a sitting position. He became more confident that he was among friends when he saw Humphrey the Hobo, who had originally arrived in the Peepers’ Pitt at the same time he had. Choo Choo put his spectacles to his coal-covered face. “Son, I‘m in the same boat… brought here ‘gainst my will like you all. This Mr. Peepers…I spoke to him. Asked him two questions…where I was and why. He only answered one. Said we’re in his Peepers’ Pitt! Then he told me to find a train before dark! If I didn’t, I wouldn’t like what would happen! Turns out, I found the depot, but I missed the train. Schedule on the depot door says so.” Decaye got up and walked to the depot. On the front door was a schedule. The only departure was at “dark,” with no arrivals.

Choo Choo continued. “After all that walking for nothin’ I just laid down here on the track in defeat. Must’a fell asleep. Ain’t as young as I used ta be!”

Humphrey finally made his way to the tracks where they were. “So’s waz we’s gon do? We’s gon get sumpin to eats?”

Decaye answered Humphrey’s question by glaring and then pointing a finger at the railroad track. “We go…that way. Surely there is something at the end of the railroad track, or along it. We must find civilization, if there is any in this world. Decaye will not stop until he has found Mr. Peepers, and forced him to send us all home!”

The Pitt Report updates Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson 　

Pitt Report--Movie Date

Lenny can't believe Russell Brand is

even in a movie!

New Ink Pitt--Dating Difficulty pt. 3 of 5: “Movie Date”
Rachel and Lenny sat close to each other in a movie theater, watching the premiere of the re-imagined romantic comedy, Arthur, staring the creepy Russell Brand. Lenny thought he was creepy at least, and tried to get Rachel to agree to watch Your Highness, starring a half-naked Natalie Portman! Rachel would have none of that however, because she didn’t want her potential future husband checking out any women other than herself. Rachel should have realized that Lenny’s thoughts on these dates were bound to wander since he knew there would be no sexual payoff at the end.

Halfway through the movie, Lenny was getting restless. As Russell Brand paraded around on the big screen acting like a damn fool and complaining about chosing between love or the money he could get in an arranged marriage, Lenny began to think about Rachel. He looked around at the darkness of the theater, and began to think dirty thoughts. He knew what he’d rather be doing with Rachel in the dark right now! He slid his stubby little hand over and touched Rachel’s fingers. She took his hand and smiled down at him before once more turning her attention to the movie. Russell Brand smiled a big, stupid, bearded smile that disgusted Lenny. They will let anyone be an actor these days!

Lenny returned to his dirty thoughts about Rachel. He was trying so hard to be good, and show Rachel that he could go out with her and enjoy her company without it all ending in sex. His desire was too great however, as he leaned his little body forward and put his hand on her leg. Rachel looked down with an unpleasant look on her face, but then she just ignored Lenny, and continued watching the movie, in the hopes that his hand would go no farther. Her hopes would be dashed however, as before Russell Brand could fully finish making a jackass out of himself and totally killing the movie, Lenny had run his hand up Rachel’s dress, caressing her most private place! A moment later, and the lecherous leprechaun leapt up onto her, and grabbed one of her breasts in his other hand and began fondling it! Rachel yelled for Lenny to stop, which probably made the awful movie they had been watching a whole lot more interesting for everyone in the theater! Rachel pushed Lenny off and told him no. She then walked out of the theater. Lenny stood in the middle of the aisle between the seats for a moment. He then looked back at the screen and yelled, “Aye, shut da hell up, Russell!” He then ran off after Rachel.

The Pitt Report updates Mondays.
All characters, photos, stories, and performances are
(C) 2011 Joshua Dyson